A long time away

I am resurfacing again and so much has happened since this time last year when I underwent my first out of three hospitalisations for trauma, anxiety and depression.   The other first for me was medication, after the first of six ambulances arrived at my house in early April 2023 an involuntary order was placed upon me and I was forced to take the drug Valium, or Diazepam as it is now known, and later given six sessions of shock treatment.     These days I have surrendered to the need for medication, grateful that my evening orlanzapine dose gives me wonderful dreams from which I often awaken wishing for a healing of the perceptual reality they have shown of my family trauma and abandonment anxiety if that makes any sense at all.  Often in these dreams interpersonal family schisms are mendimg and antagonists, like my sister in law who carries so much of the family shadow turn into allies.

Alienation is a huge part of my family story, grudges that were held prevented a healing which may have unified that schism between said sister in law and my Mother that has caused such a break from my brother’s three children.    But lately I see it is my inner child of the past who carries the wounds and needs so desperately for the adult me to show up  take her hand and ever so slowly lead her in positive directions.   This adult part can mediate between intensely anxious bodily feelings of lonelieness and longing for connection and touch that ground and unify two soul’s in any interaction with both men and women in my life.   Lately I see it is me who so often abandons this childlike part of myself who so longs for healing and recognition of that need for ‘holding’ of all the mixed up inner child feelings that lay at the heart of what therapist Pete Walker calls the abandonment anxiety melange.

Finding ways to soothe this profoundly anxious child/bodily self is so important to living fully grounded in the now for me, knowing that I can survive breaks or times when others cannot be there for me in the way I need them too.     And shame often lies at the centre of this hidden child self.

Last night also I forced myself to watch the final 4 episodes of the gruelling Netflix series Baby Reindeer, which is a drama based upon the real life experiences of Scottish writer and comedian, Richard Gadd.    For those who wish to watch it without spoilers those follow so stop reading from here.   In the series Richard portrays the alter ego of Donny Dunn as he undergoes a quest to be seen and become successful as a stand up comedian and comedy writer.   The series deals with issues of drug abuse  sexual abuse, gay male rape, stalking and the inner torment or shame storm Donny undergoes as a result of suffering all of these torments in his quest for fame.  As one reviwer says the series does not wrap the poison up in a sugar coated bonbon but rather lays it all ex ruitiatingly bare over the four and a half hours or so of the series.

But at the heart of this series lies the inner child’s ‘baby Reindeer’ a lost soul seeking to love or be loved, to hold or be held or even penetrated, yet so often failing due to deep wounds, and curiously it is Donny’s stalker who cuts to the heart of Donny’s malaise in this regard, is the one who sees into the heart of his wounds even as he denies them.

The series end had me on the phone to Lifeline in the early hours today….I am really missing my therapist these days, but sadly Katina told me she could no longer continue any form of relationship with me in July last year and so it is I take my inner child’s hand and leas her to places where she can connect.