Its been nearly 4 months now I have been hospitalised and that time encompasses around 6 moves to various facilities within our mental health care/hospital system and the continuation of drug treatment forced upon me as an involuntary ‘consumer’. Wise people say to trust the process’s but I honestly do find that hard as many who follow my blog know I found it hard to trust my parents in the midst of so much trauma happening within our family abd due to my Mum’s impatience/outbursts.
Really I believe there is so much I have gone through that I need to be loving myself through and efforts to hold true to my inner core are so important but so is the recognition I love and need others who share a common experience.
Today I made good friends with a fellow poetry lover and she shared not only her own poem but a beautiful piece of writing on water and memory by New Zealand writer Janet Frame who was also hospitalisation for depression and anxiety. I will share that here but for now I must try and rest so much more has gone on and with changes in medication I have been awake since 4 am and its 10 pm.as I write this update.
Its now 5.30 am and the daylight has slowly been gathering to reveal another cloudy day. I had a bit of conflict with one of the nurses just a moment ago but that was healthy It centred around the trust/lack of trust theme but also patronization which bugs the hell out of me when it happens.
I love the idea of compassionate enquiry that Gabor Mate speaks of. Ask and don’t lecture me please from.you supposed ‘superior’ standpoint, I might just know more than you think.
Here is the quote from.Janet Frame, I hope it speaks to you.
We all see faces in the water, we smother our memory of them, even our belief in their reality and become calm people of the world, we can neither forget or help them, and sometimes by a trick of circumstances or dream or a hostile neighbourhood of light, we see our own face.
Faces In The Water, 1961
Water to me is akin to memory such that tears will seep out as wave after wave of past emotional experience rises. So much of our emotional experience becomes buried and the fragility of a healthy ego may be threatened by some waves not just of experiences but also of people and personalities writ large whose influence has shaped us in some fundamental way.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Thinking of you.
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Thank you so much. 💓
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Oh, how nice it is to hear from you! I think of you often, pray for you. Do you feel you are finding some healing over these 4 months?
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Sorry for such a slow reply, I’ve been in a dark.place throughout this recent hospitalisation and with abou 6 moves between various facilities its been hard to find my centre and a grounded feeling of stability which when I consider it reflects a far far deeper Uranian influence in my life. I am just about to write a post on reckoning and despair as I do feel in older life we face the full on impact of all of our myriad life experiences good and so called ‘bad’, so the long winded answer is maybe this is what I am truly here to find, the healing through being able to face it all most especially our despair and feelings of not good enough and other regrets to see and accept it all as part of our most human struggle on this mixed up planet earth.
How are things with you? I have not been on the internet much so must catch up soon……sending you love and light ❤️🌹🌈🦋
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Wow, with 6 moves in such a short period of time – no wonder you are struggling with feeling grounded. It sounds like you are trying to make the best of it, and still focus on your healing. That’s good! As difficult as it to see at the time, I do feel we often learn, grow and heal through challenges. I pray these difficult experiences do hold something you can turn for good and healing for yourself. ❤️
The last couple months were a bit of a struggle. My anxiety and panic got the upper hand on me, despite my best efforts to control it. I ended up having to go back on antidepressants – not for my mood (like last time) but for the anxiety.
So far it’s been a blessing. I am able to live my life again. I’m on half the dose I was the first time, and I’m hoping that keeps working for me. Once I feel secure in this new norm, my counselor and I are going to work hard to try to figure out the root of my anxiety/panic.
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No healing only destruction I feel the relentless pace of these places means it’s hard to find peace and sadly the medications seem to have undermined my health completely combined with poor nutrition, so much has broken down for me. I am in a dark place with it all. Thank you for the prayers. They are much needed, I long for home and the quiet peaceful feminine comforts but seem doomed to be subjected to even more treatment as I am under a psychiatric order for 4 more months. Wish with all my aching heart and soul.it was better news, God knows I deserved better treatment than this but sadly I chose what has turned out to be the wrong path that fateful day in July when I called the ambulance rather than stand up to the lies my anxieties told……my heart and body is quiet broken at the moment. Truth is often so painful. But maybe through this darkness my heart is seeing the complex myriad of factors that led me to here.
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I’m so sorry! 💔 You do deserve better treatment.
What a disaster the health care system is, it sounds like they are so out of touch with your heart and soul. Do they provide you a good counselor while you are there? Or is it only medicine?
I wish there was something I could do to help. If you can turn to your inner resources, God, and books that speak to your soul. That’s where so much power, beauty, and healing love live.
Sending constant prayers and love your way 💕 🙏
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Thank you for your kind thoughts. They do provide a psychologist but its difficult to get them to understand the depths of this, healing involves so many different components including good food which is absent, it is a disaster, though the nurses are kind so I look for the good where I can find it. Thank God for music, it’s the one thing bringing me through this dark time, thanks again for your support 🙏
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I am heartbroken to hear they are not providing you with what your heart guides you need for healing. Your inner resources, strength, and God can guide you through this difficult time to better days, I do believe this. Sending you love and prayers for healing and peace. ❤️
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart
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So true thank you aa always for your encouragement 💗 it m eans the world to me.
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Thank ypu so much Lorraine the health system here isn’t holding me as safely as I had hoped but I will still try to lean upon what resources are available.
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I am at a loss for words Deborah, I am just so sorry. I love you❤️
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Thank ypu Lorraine it’s been the toughest 5 months of my life. Your message means alot to me.
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My whole body is aching Lorraine I’m jusr so lost.
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Deborah I want to put my arms around you and hold you. Can you imagine me doing that and you can cry on my shoulder if you want to. I will watch out for you if you want to keep talkiing to me. It is almost Christmas Day here but you have had yours over there. I hate Christmas Day anyway and it is almost bedtime but please if you can talk to me here on your blog I will be here for you. I love yous so much Deborah and I hear your cry. My heart goes out to you. I feel you prain. Bless you Deborah
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I am so sorry I did not get to read this on Christmas Day. Thanks so much for reaching out so beautifully to me and I pray you were held gently over Christmas I am just glad it it behind us now..
🌹🦋🌹🦋
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Thank ypu so much for alll the love ypu poured out Lorraine even though it’s taken some weeks for me to read this I really appreciate your friendship. We got through Christmas okay and that is the main thing its only one day and it passessin time. Sending hugs and love to you. And sunshine smiles tonight up the season.
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How are you doing, Deborah? I think of you often, and am praying for you. ❤️ 🌹
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How lovely to hear from you. I very much appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I am finally out of hospital and there has been a lot of challenges to my mental health in the few weeks I have been home. Jasper has developed a diabetic condition so we are having to constantly monitor him with trips back and forward to the Vet. I am trying my best to manage the triggers and act in self loving ways. Such a difficult question to answer. I have lost the impetus to blog and write any poetry. I am finally accepting that I will be taking medication. How is everything with you? How did you fair with taking medication? Did you find that it helped you?
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It is wonderful to hear from you. And happy news that you are back home with your sweet Jasper. 🙂
Managing it all day by day is the best you can do, keep at it. ❤️
Life’s been good to me recently. Last summer my anxiety and panic issues grew to a point they’ve never been before in my whole life. It was scary. My circle of comfort shrank by the week.
I ended up going back on Lexapro (this time 5mg as opposed to the 10mg I was on a few years ago.) It’s been a blessing! I feel like myself, but I’m able to get the upper hand on my anxiety and panic (my body doesn’t fly into such a heightened state on medicine). I’m able to move through things so much easier now simply with deep breathes.
I found the 10 mg did blunt my emotions(which I didn’t like). But this 5mg seems to be just the help I need.
I do plan to go off it maybe in a couple months or so, and see how that goes. But, I’m more accepting of the fact (that at least in this point of my life) it might be something I’ll need for years. I’ll like this version of me – I have more energy to do the things I love. 🙂
Are you finding medication helpful? It is such a journey, and one I still struggle with.
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To be honest I had a tough couple of weeks but I cannot blame that on the meds which I also believe help. I am on orlanzapine taken at night and it really relaxes me and sends me into a deep sleep.
Over the Easter break.I had two trips to the Emergency department so I know how scared life can be when anxiety has us in its grip.
Apart from that life goes on and I try to manage each day to the very best of my ability. Do you sometimes feel that certain people make your anxiety worse? I experience that at times.
You sound in a very good place at the moment, pacing your self, noticing the onset of anxiety and managing with the breath and knowing.g what doses help you. That is big work and you must feel empowered. I’m.so pleased to hear you are managing so well.
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I’m sorry to hear Easter weekend was hard for you. I hope you are feeling better now. ❤️
And yes, I most definitely notice certain people set off my anxiety. Seems like it’s connected to their own energy, and maybe my past with that person. My Mom is the person that is hardest for me to be around. I’m trying to spend the time with her I can, and balance it out with people who bring me joy and connection.
What is your experience with your anxiety and others?
I enjoy catching up with you. 🙂
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I certainly feel calmer with good friends, those people who are positive and uplifting. My sister seems to be the person who makes me feel a great deal of anxiety because I often feel her own life energy is squashed and sensing this it makes sense that her judgment seems to close me down and feel great anxiety if that makes any sense to you at all. Maybe you experience something similar with your Mom.
Sometimes I believe being highly sensitive and intuitive we can also pick up on other people’s anxiety.
I noticed over the Easter weekend feeling more isolated emotionally I experienced more anxiety. So my work now is to make more attempts to connect by reaching out to others.
I love catching up with you too……I hope you have a wonderful week…..
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