A pouring out of love and grief

This is a post I wrote a few weeks before my second recent hospitalisation. Im finding writing and posting without my laptop at the moment sooooooo frustrating, power cords arent allowed in the Adult Mental Health Unit, so I am stuck atm….and its a laborious process typing blogs in my tiny mobilephone keypad. So I.hope this resonates just be aware its written in present tense as today is the 19th of August. :

an older post about my Dad that I wrote in 2020 today. Looking at the photo of my Dad a lot of grief and love and fear began to pour out of me. Constantly the fear of my body breaking down has been intense and I had a bit to do today and as usual worried about overextending myself.

When I got home there seemed to be a lot of ‘stuff’ around and I got a flood of oceanic inner ‘stuff’ rising up. All I could do then was stop and try my best to breathe through it all as I opened to the waves.

Life feels full of love at times lately but I seem to be ever more aware of how closely these two energies of both fear and love seem and how closely related they appear lately. It may not be the best use of time but I am regretting some past choices about keeping myself in isolation at the coast for so long when my heart impulse was to come home to my home town but I fought it and seemed to be always taking myself off. Maybe it is the current Mars transiting in square to transiting Uranus which is about disconnecting and cutting away and as it moves forward from 21 Leo today it is only 8 degrees off my natal Uranus at 28 Leo in my first house that is showing me all of this today. How hard I found it at times to stay in relationship. This has prompted me to look even more deeply into my own disorganized attachment to understand just how and why I avoided and began to self repress, on that note I found the following video from Dr Kim Sage instructive.

Past choices are past choices and lately I am seeing that every choice had a consequence and led me in a certain direction. In the present I have no power over past choices only an insight into seeing them. But it seems to me that with all my ‘stuff’ I need to do some reigning in of my own energy that seems to get too involved in accumulating at times. Maybe it is a time to release some stuff. I have heard it said that addicts and recovering alcoholics are not that great with letting go and with change. When change comes up a fear of having to face the feelings may make us hide out. I don’t want to hide out anymore. I really want to open up my life and my heart. Maybe this constant fear of death is growing as I age but what is to fear if death is just a change of phase or life manifestation? Truth is I want so badly to live now, I am not ready to go. Fear of loss is big with me when I cannot find my wallet or keys I panic when staying calm is a far better option. So when I start to panic lately I try to affirm all is well. All of this is just about me being so active in my mind that at times it is hard to shut it down, but we carry our mind with us every day and at every instant it is affecting our body. Lately that is all that I know for sure.

And when the panic and chaos of my old disorganized style hits i am learning to take a walk or to breathe. Since I lost my denture the fear over being unable to properly digest food has been intense and kept me in fear. The doctors at the time labelled this conflict, confusion and fear ‘psychosis’ which angers me but after the anger subsides….how much these three could be manifesting in their hearts and minds via projection wises me up. Then I feel.less imprisoned within that all too human entanglement……the major aspect being both fear off and projection of human ‘beingness’