I feel the love in nature so much lately. I feel how nature can open my heart and then while writing this post, an acronym for GOD I first heard in AA meetings : Great Out Doors, comes to mind.. I also feel my heart close to God when I hug my pupster, Jasper, looking into his eyes I sense a love and depth and even a kind of recognition often not available from shut down humans.
So it was good to read a post from Cynthia Bailey Rug recently that spoke about being careful about seeking praise or validation from outside of ourselves. This was an issue also discussed in a book on the philosophy of Stoicism Reasons Not To Worry I bought recently that discusses how tenants of this approach can be used to help us stay realistic and grounded in seeking self worth.
Cynthia’s post is found here:
Too often when we have an unrecognized inner child that feel invalidated, dismissed or even rejected we learn to turn compulsively to others. The sad fact is that if we had overly self involved or emotionally neglectful parents we will not have a good inner radar for those who are good to and for us. This kind of upbringing, as I well know, opens us up to be involved, often with more of the same, those who have no compunction in putting their needs first and foremost above our own or may take pleasure in putting us down. By the same token if a parent over invested us with praise that was not grounded we may also struggle to be realistic here.
I had a bit of a boundary issue on the weekend with a friend who often likes to remain in control of choices where we meet.. Lately I have been trying to make suggestions for alternatives and take the risk to reach out and invite her, which is something I am not very good at at all due to having very introverted parents and then developing low self esteem. Not only that having high sensitivity also means that at times its not easy for us to go to certain places that friends may suggest if for example they are too noisy, busy or with harsh lighting. Often in the past I just defered to
The difficulty came on the weekend when I suggested a mangeable time for lunch my friend asked it to be half an hour earlier due to anxiety over not getting a table. Now this may not seem like a big thing but in the end agreeing to it put my entire morning out of whack. It also meant due to all of the anxiety it passed on to me over getting there in time I didn’t get around to getting my friend a gift for Christmas as I normally do and so, sadly I arrived empty handed. We had a lovely meeting and it went well, she always tends to want to leave first due to having a lot to do, that makes me feel a bit insecure and needy at times, but a lot of this is actually something I recognize as a carry over from childhood.. My so called ‘best friend’ in childhood often disappointed and let me down by not showing up for agreed meetings or choosing someone she like more over me.. She even got into a relationship with the guy I was really keen on in school. In the end I see that all as meant to be, after all if he was right for me he would have chosen me and the truth is, as I so often share here I struggled in most of my male female relationships to make a loving intimate connection where I both felt safe enough and as though all of my needs and feelings mattered or were acceptable or eve taken seriously.
These days I am learning that as much as I need and love people, my true happiness does lie within, in making a good and loving relationship with my inner self. It has not been easy as I tend to devalue myself and I also tend to distrust others at times and their intentions. I also have had people putting me a lot lately into positions where I take on their responsibilities. I have had at least 8 men in recent months I started intial connections with put the hard word on me for money and as I have shared I had and still have a long and drawn out issue with someone over trying to help them financially. Sadly I see now how much I felt I had to give in order to be loved. It was never easy at all for me to let go even when this latest situation was asking almost a king’s ransom from me. Sadly I see the truth now and weep and I am sure I have lost followers over it, that said, its not the issue how many ‘follow’ me or ‘like’ my posts either, if I am not being authentic and true to myself how happy can I really be inwardly.
Loving ourselves, sadly so often means having to stand alone.. Being in emotional recovery and having to grow means that sometimes we will shed old friendships and relationships. For me, I am only lately learning the truth of a real friend and what that may mean. And I am also remembering to call as well on inward sources of loving unconditional support such as Higher Power, Gods, Goddesses or Angels, all of these loving beings can be witnesses for me and most especially for my, at times, vulnerable and wounded inner child. Those past hurts need my own tender holding, compassion and wisdom. They do not heal over night if I do not give myself that kind of self love and care as well as inward validation. To look for that in unhealthy places does not serve me well, and it can only end up confusing me if I seek authentification or validation from outside of the true and essential core of my own inner being.
Emerging From The Dark Night 