Being raised in a chaotic home can lead to a craving for order and perfection, such a childhood is one talked about by Augustsen Burroughs author of the novel Running With Scissors in an interview that aired many years ago on Radio National. Augusten is both a recovering alcoholic and child of an alcoholic.
Augusten’s mother suffered from bi polar disorder and as a result of living within the emotional and physical chaos of that he developed a craving for neatness and order, dressing himself up in clean starched shirts with bow ties.
In the interview I listened today that dates from 2013, Augusten tells the true story of being taking to the psychiatrist’s home and being left there while the doctor took his mother away to a motel to ‘treat her’. His life and experiences in that house make incredibly interesting listening.. Augusten ended up spending many years living in that house after being told he would only be left for two days. His father (an academic and alcoholic) effectively abandoned his son. The other people living in the house were a mix of patients and family of the doctor.
Living in this open arrrangment Augusten developed a life of freedom, according to the ‘doctor’ at 13 you were free as a person, so Augusten did not attend school, had no set bed time, limits, boundaries or rules. On a positive note this had gifts. Interesting to note that one of the signs of emotional neglect is often is lack of containment and care as well as boundaries.
Augusten made his own rules and when he had questions about life was encouraged by the other members of the house and the psychiatrist to seek answers by randomly opening a Bible, since the psychiatrist believed this was the way to divine the ‘truth’. It may seem weird way of going about things but if you consider that being dicatated answers by another person that may neither suit nor be applicable to you may be, in the long run more damaging.
At the age of 13 sadly Augusten was the raped by the ‘adopted’ son of the psychiatrist (an ex patient) who , in his words, was the one person in his life who was ‘paying attention to him’. This left him with terrible trust issues and due to his child like innocence and sexual ignorance it took Augusten until the age of 30 to realise that what had occurred was actually abuse and not consentual or even his fault. Like many victims of sexual abuse he told both his mother and the psychiatrist what was happening and his mother sided with the abuser, who was a fan of her poetry.
When asked by the interviewer what enabled him to come through all of the loss and trauma, Augusten speaks of relying on himself and also on a journal.. Since he had no one to turn to he wrote every day and was in this way, over time able to explore his past and relationships and make some kind of sense of them. Most of the time, Augusten also learned to depend on himself, and cited having a sense of humor about it all to have been his principle saving grace.
His story resonated with me.. I started writing at about the age of 6 to survive in my emotionally distant family and though at time my inner critic tries to tear my reading, writing and poetry down I still persevere and am grateful to have access to a blog in which I can share some of my own story. And listening to Augusten’s story today really made sense of so much and showed to me the creative gifts which come out of people’s neglect and trauma, so often there just seems to be no one to turn to but ourselves (and God!). It also shows just how many of those raised by abandoning parents turn around to make something creative and inspiring of their lives.
Emerging From The Dark Night 