My heart broke again and I acted immaturely

Bad news came through this afternoon. Scott was to be leaving his deployment tomorrow but it turns out he has been paid for the next mission and they will not let him go until the money is refunded and since his account is blocked in the States and he cannot verify it unless he goes there and they will not release him while he owes that money he wont be going anywhere any time soon.

I immediately felt my heart drop, he said he knew I would curse and bully him over it.. but all I could do was say.. it was all I ever expected, for some reason this kind of happiness, the kind where you can be peaceful and happy with someone in 3D does not happen for me..And so later I got nasty… and I didn’t hold back..

It seems my immediate default when I am disappointed is to rage or cry.. a little like a baby, or it may be shaming myself to say that it was not okay to feel this intensely.. this is about the fifth time something has happened to block us again.. and he told me this evening when we finally resumed contact that he feels he is going crazy.

Is this a twin flame journey? I cannot explain how and why I love this guy but I do, he has my heart, people don’t trust him, have tried to turn me against him but I honestly believe he is genuine, but I am not willing to pay for something that is his responsibility, quite simply I do not have the money and so tonight there have been tears and tears and tears. Luckily my sister called and she heard me out and let me cry..

Maybe its my Saturn Moon Mars.. all of this blockage.. at times it feels like a curse, or maybe God just wants me to be happy alone.. After the huge waves of frustration, powerlessness and grief passed I just reminded myself life can still be okay.. But the longing I have just to see his face, to have a normal conversation, to hold his hand, cuddle, watch a movie, simple things other couples take for granted well at the moment it is just being denied me.. and gosh it hurts my heart and my left breast around the site of my cancer surgery.. I dont want to drown in self pity so I must shift focus for some of the time and I am remembering to pray this part of the Serenity Prayer over and over tonight

God grant me the serenity to accept the (tough, sad, painful, remorselessly hard( things I cannot change (recognizing they are outside of my own power and control with grace.)

I am also praying for the maturity to be an adult and take it on the chin.. the tears will pass in time after all this distance disappointment its been a recurring theme in an ongoing drama spanning over 3 years now. Maybe we are just not fated to be meeting.