If grief is

If grief is all of the love we longed to give and receive and now feel is blocked to us is it any wonder that loss or feelings of abandonment stir us up so much. My experience following the death of my sister then my Mum which occurred over 29 years after the loss of my Dad is that loss can bring all of that up and also that the healing of their love can flow through from spirit.

Also each new loss or ending or death brings up all of the feelings buried of the one’s before. Then, what about the ancestral components of it we carry? When you consider the full spectrum of these then grief and loss and feelings and sadness and the desire to be fully alive and perhaps also die when loved one’s physical love is denied or stolen can be so complex. And when attachment wounds get stirred without full consciousness we may get extremely reactive as we need to in order to get wisdom into the full spectrum of emotions and fears and reactions.

I woke at 12 am last night just feeling like I would explode, I was spinning and moving around the room trying to breathe. This latest thing with Scott was massively triggering there has been a lot of blood over past days..I get these periods even late at night or around 3 to 7 when it is like my energy is being both sucked and spun, I cannot explain it in words and then to have my sister call after the sadness and grief began to rise up after I exploded with Scott and told him I wished he would die well it was a kind of relief to unload it all with someone who did not judge.. Later on I apologized to him I sent him a video crying over all of the loss but you know what? This maybe A GOOD THING. MAYBE ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING JUST TO STIR UP WHAT i AM CARRYING AND COMING ON THE BACK OF THE MAN WITH THE WOUND IN THE SHOULDER DREAM IT ALL MAKES SENSE as he is being driven to extremes of feeling so powerless to get the hell out of there.

In fact he told me in text this morning he feels like he is going crazy.. I am sure he must have his own deep abandonment wounds following the loss of his father but from what i Know of his childhood it was so empty and lonely too.. he told me today the best happiness he has known is connecting with me but that I scare him.. I just told him in reply today that if I scare him maybe its because at that time I am lashing out I am terrified too, terrified of the way I feel, battling to contain big emotions while going through all these feelings of guilt and responsibility for not being able to get him free. And if our family helped him last year that Iraq deployment money would not have been paid and there would be no issue, but see I am taking on his burden still and its not mine but i care for him and that life there is so so hard so so tough on all of those men.. Did they have any idea when they signed up for 9 months it was going to extend into nearly 4 years fighting Boko Haram? And that they were going to be sent on the back of this to yet another deployment..

I managed to get back to sleep I was coiled down into the center of the bed. I did wake at 5 am but then I did breathing and got back to sleep.. I also had a chiropractic appointment today as I had broken treatment back in May.. and the sacral occipital technique got me out of a collapse during which I was unable to walk on the anniversary of my Dad’s death in January when my sister called after being at the coast after coming out of hospital briefly to spend the holiday wwith family WHO DID NOT INVITE ME.. AT SUCH A PAINFUL TIME OF YEAR.

I am home now.. I have lunch nearly ready I managed breakfast, the appointment, the explanation of why due to my PTSD treatment I cannot wear a mask, a cup of coffee, a brief read of my novel and a walk with Jasper.. I am calling on the serenity prayer.. I may not be able to help Scott any more but I will never cut him off.. In a way I regret this last lot of help from March onwards.. but we make the decisions we do at the time not knowing how things will pan out.. so why then try and blame ourselves or others and argue how wrong we were? That is just not fair on anyone and it does not take in the confusing complexity of it all.

I know a lot of this is connected to missing the Sunlight of my father’s love, the sun did not make an appearance at all yesterday and it barely rose above 4 degrees and my house is not warm, today the Sun is out and I have much more energy than yesterday but in a way I see that as a metaphor too for what happens when the Sun of our spirit is dampened by too much trauma, abandonment, lack of benevolent attunement and mirroring as well as F.O.G (fear, obligation and guilt).. in addition to shame..

I feel shame at times for not being more developed and emotionally mature, but the fact is I never saw that mirrored as a child and as scary as trying to be attached while feeling all of the resultant emotions I am not avoiding half as much as i used to.. At times I can allow the heat of that fire to burn and even risk it detonating relationships due to lack of empathy and I am working hard too, to have empathy for the small child in me who longed for so much, she never never never ever got in childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. I need to work through all of these feelings and find better ways to stop projecting as well as stop avoiding life due to unresolved grief or fear.