I had a sense of some old energy leaving me last night.. I slept okay though neighbors had a noisy party going on and around 9 pm it sounded like some young hoons were racing their cars dangerously around our normally quiet streets.. It didn’t freak me out that much.
It was nice to have a quiet night.. I had no desire to connect with anyone but Scott to be honest.. I just feel myself pulling away (this does not include WordPress family though) but blogging has not felt as pressing lately as it used to.
That said I just took myself out into the quiet streets after having a lovely time of resting my head and hands on Jasper as he quietly and peacefully lay breathing on his bed. Lately he is the realest earthly thing to me.. Humans seem full of silliness and confusion or undergoing their own stresses but on reflection these thoughts relate to the ongoing drama of my sister’s illness I got caught up in for so many years. Its a relief to be having nothing to do with it, and old injuries arked up again today.. I don’t want to keep feeding the pain as I truly would like to be able to leave this past stuff behind me this year but at the same time I needed today to acknowledge the enormity of what she subjected me to in 2004. I feel grateful for the gifts I do have now, but if I concentrate on what happened in the past it does not go well for me.
I do think peace is a choice, especially when it goes for all the painful things we so often suffer at the hands of ignorant, shut down or insensitive humans. The best we can do is see it for what it is, not internalise the pain of what was done to us because the abuser never allows it an outlet or even gives any form or recognition or apology.
Lately I must confess to finding myself bursting out laughing a lot. I just get overcome with this sense of life’s irony and silliness. It seems to me now I came from a joyless family where my parents were driven by the need not only to survive but also to pull themselves up from a history of the past family not even they were fully conscious of or even did any work on finding out about.. That task was left up to me and it has occupied for me most of the past 20 years…. this year I would like to move onto something happier, freer, more peaceful and full of joy..
Seeing the place my sister went too last year knowing things could have been so different was she not so full of fear and self negation has made me see I no longer want that dead, life draining place of inner and outer criticism any more putting me to death.. I told Scott by text a moment ago that this year I am willing to fight for my peace, for my happiness, for my joy and this year I am going to try my best to leave that past in the past and get on with making the present moments I do have as happy and calm as possible.. I do have a lot to be grateful for, and gratitude grows a joy we cannot find when we are endlessly bemoaning a sad or traumatic past we have no power to change. Never the less we must acknowledge its deep roots in order to be fully conscious, there is no bypassing that pain on the way to wisdom.
Emerging From The Dark Night 