In my head : today’s reflections

It is true.. I do live in my head a lot… I am very airy by nature and think a lot, I watch and observe in a way, at times, I do not see others do. I know it came from being the youngest in a family where I was, so often, on the outside looking in or left alone. After therapy I went to get lunch from the salad bar in our shopping centre and while I sat there I watched everyone. I saw the looks on their faces, I watched many people eating looking down on their phones, next to where I sat a young Asian girl was connected up to a laptop with two mobile phones, on the screen was a kind of spreadsheet and she was in conversation. I watched a tall hippie, with a rainbow ribbon wrapped pig tail in a t-shirt saying “the birds and bees and me in a dream, as he slowly wandered over towards the bestseller section of the bookshop located near the salad bar in his thongs and started browsing.

I didn’t feel apart from things or at all lonely today, though….. Therapy went well although the landlord has taken up the carpet in Kat’s office to lay down bare floorboards and it was very echoey and we both noticed this.. Kat joked about how the chair she usually sits on that has wheels may end up skating over the surface and tipping her a over t so that only her blue shoes were visible in the air as she flew out of the window..

Today’s was a light session because in some way I am feeling more removed from things, less emotional though still struggling with the confusion over last years extended ‘scam’ debacle. I had to cut contact again after Scott’s latest attempt to reel me back in, yesterday he sent what is supposed to be documentary evidence of his application for leave from the military, retirement clearance certificates and such like as well as some kind of bank details showing he has over 900,000 US Dollars in the account he claims they froze… He said he was showing me all of this so I could trust him when he tried to deposit the money I ‘lent’ him over the last two years into my account. The whole thing just brought up the wound of how he strung me along for over 18 months with promises to come after which there was always some new excuse. I feel this last attempt is just another way of trying to ‘hook’ me back in because after arking up he mentioned something about how if I only sent the last small amount he would be released from his deployment immediately.. That is when I finally decided to cut all content and block him on all accounts..

Somehow I have to find a way to let go of the mistake I made… I have to let go of the money I lost to him and keep my head as clear as I can.. which is why sometimes I need to get out and moving and interacting with others IN MY BODY. These days I need what is REAL rather than VIRTUAL.

I arrived home a short while ago to unpack my groceries and got into a bit of a critical headspace about how many different things I have lying around the place, I then made an effort to tidy some of it up…When I get pulled in by someone else things go pear shaped in my world and the lesson I have taken with what I went through with Scott is to not be as ruled by my emotional self all of the time… If I had just used more reason and less magical and wishful thinking I would not have been in denial for so long, nor missed out on new opportunities to connect with a real partner in real time. Anyway I cannot change the past, only learn from it and I am not going to beat myself up about it. I did the best I could at the time and it wasn’t way good enough!!!!

Mercury retrograde has shown me where I have been manipulated due to my emotional wounds and made vulnerable… to know I had those unmet emotional attachment needs lets me off the hook for self blame, after all its only natural to want to be seen and loved by and connected with another human being who you care about and who cares about you..This particular scammer made similar promises to the woman who got in touch with me last year to try and get to the bottom of the truth and ‘Scott’ is still swearing she is lying.. With what motive? He offered unconditional support and all these other things and as Kat and many other have said to me, these guys are cunning psychological experts, they know how to play and pray on people’s emotional vulnerabilities…. Beware who you open up to online is my advice and advice I should have followed myself, instead of being so naively trusting.

Anyway after lunch I took myself for a pedicure which was very soothing and relaxing, I then went and got my groceries. At the moment I am counting my blessings. I made a mistake and lost a lot of money but I learned something in the process. This afternoon I am going easy on myself … its still fairly hot out there and I could do with a rest and a relax.. so that is what I plan to do, practice some much needed self care while trying to remember to work to let go of thoughts and ongoing ruminations on a past I cannot change.