In my body

I fronted up to the breast cancer survivor’s movie group today with my sister… The movie showing was Emma and I found it beautifully directed with so many emotional nuances and an underlying symbolic commentary on the mind body split in that era. The movie was funny and engaging and I loved most of the performances. Bill Nighy, as Emma’s father was nothing short of brilliant and so funny, such a wonderful character actor.

There is a lunch after the movie and I had not met anyone before, could only really connect on a certain level with many of the women who were older but there were some lovely spirits there, although I was trembling after coming out of the theatre as it was a cooler day today and they had the airconditioning on too high and I don’t have any body insulation these days at only 55 kg. I was also famished as it was a push to get to my sister’s by 10.30 am and I was anxious at not having enough time to walk Jasper after showering and washing my hair with all the usual morning PTSD symptoms but I made it..

Later this afternoon we got ourselves out for a walk, some deep loneliness rose up again when I returned home after the lunch, but a walk always makes me feel better. It’s been very heavy grey skies today, too, but all in all its been a good day.. However when we were walking I had the thought “you know you aren’t always in your head or captured as much as you were by PTSD even 6 months ago,” I could feel both feet on the ground and at the moment I can feel the warmth in my feet and body that got generated by getting out for that walk. I thought too of how the trauma we encounter to our being or body does trap us and of how we can become prisoner and paralysed both in the past and symptoms as well as moved towards ongoing states of over-reactivity or freezing in the face of experiencing triggers. The movie did trigger me several times as English movies so often do, particularly when I see the country side scene I am pulled back to my time in Cambridge and our lovely long evening cycle rides to the meadows, I also love the nuances of emotional depth and understated emotions and life energy that are explored in these kinds of films… I love that over in the UK you are allowed to be dark and there is a reverence for history and age, a few of us chatting were saying how sad we are that in our home town the government just demolishes beautiful old buildings and is erecting so many high rise apartment blocks, films like the one today take me back to the time when people were more in touch with nature even if straightjacketed in so many ways by English formality and repression and tight clothing.

It gives me joy to find myself in my body these days, my symptoms do overwhelm me at times but it seems lately I am more able to bear the painful sensations that arise and breathe through them… I am not as in flight from my body and emotions as I was… I was somewhat fearful about fronting up for the movie today and missing my earlier walking time with Jasper but I am really glad I did it.. I also cried a little sitting there as my sister fell asleep beside me to think how kind it was of her to ask me along, it was my sister’s movie group I attended today and as I sat in the cinema with her I had a strong image of us at 7 and 15 years of age, yes, at times she did some shitty painful things to me and we are very different.. but it was lovely of her to care to invite me today… All in all I have a lot to be grateful for… At times it is lonely coming back to an empty house but then its not totally empty, Jasper is home too. At the moment he is enjoying a post walk bone before dinner and I am going to go and read some other blogs while I have a cup of tea.. Today was a good day and I took the change to front up in my body, I don’t regret it at all, am just grateful I was able to do it.