It is amazing to me that going through the tough stuff and opening to feel it fully actually can open our hearts. I felt my heart opening so much yesterday. I didn’t log onto my blog but got up, had breakfast and headed to the nursery a fair way from where I live. There I was surrounded by beauty and I had a chat to an older man who was taking cuttings off the most stunning blue clematis with star like stamens. He must have been about 80 and was telling me all about the townhouse where he lives along with his garden and plants. I then got some vintage replica tumblers and went to have a coffee before heading home and planting my plants.
I had a lot of anxiety as normal, my friend Steve was texting as in my quest to open up I asked him for lunch tomorrow. I get anxious inviting people with my panic symptoms but I know its all fear. He sent me the most accurate meme on Aquarians, how we are so intuitive but can easily burn out due to being highly receptive to energies and then we need to retreat to recharge. It felt so lovely, both to be ‘got’ and that someone had made that kind of effort. This followed on from the most healing chat with my new friend overseas where I shared about my head injury and he expressed genuine sadness. He said these words “you are so sensitive and have the heart of an artist, no wonder it hurt so much.”
I found myself crying after he sent this text to me, it was like something deep inside of me broke open and yesterday all of these feelings I have battled with over the past 18 years just flowed more. I told my friend Steve I was crying a lot. I tried to call my sister but of course there was no answer. I had other stuff to do as its my nephew’s 50th next week and he and his family are off overseas and I really wanted to get a gift off to him and I had done a reccie the day before looking at books, so I went out later and bought him two books and a card and sent it today with some money as I thought being on holiday he may like to spend it on something special. It feels so good to give and I just got back from the post office after sending it express post.
I called my other nephew who has a new opportunity with a British artist who is well known and needs an assistant to help him with some of his paintings, he has ‘retired’ to the hinterland near to where my nephew lives. He shared his anxiety that he may not be up to the task but we both agreed its better to try and possibly fail (which he wont as he is a stunning artist) than never to try at all. Things flowed in our conversation unlike when my sis called back and I experienced that terrible feeling of restriction and longing to connect more deeply but life is life and I must take it all as it is.
I cannot believe the beautiful things God is bringing into my life lately, since all the hard experiences with ‘Scott’. Its like I had to go through that to find out about what I don’t want, what hurts me and doesn’t feel good boundary wise. I shared everything with my friend and it felt good to get it off my chest. I don’t carry any anger about it any more but I feel less body stress and anxiety now that I am having no contact much, despite him pleading with me every day not to say goodbye. Part of me feels selfish writing this but I am finally experiencing what it might mean to have my heart open and connect to my own desires rather than have other’s projected on me. When I opened to the suffering around ‘Scott’ it was tough in October and early November but I came through it and so I know I can live through pain and find strength. Today I am celebrating my blessings. I am putting as much focus on my own life and recovery as I can while trying to reach out to others. I feel in such a good place and just wanted to share that. The support I have had on WordPress has been phenomenal. I want to extend that by sharing other’s stories of trauma to help if I can so if you need to tell your story there is always a space here. Together we can make it. My purpose in my blog has always been to share where I am at, even when its in a dark place, because I know how opening up allows the light to shine in and illuminate our souls so we can move forward with healing both personally and collectively.
Emerging From The Dark Night 