You know who you are

We all know deep down inside who we really are but sometimes society, conditioning, parents, schooling can turn us against ourselves and convince us that our ways are not the ‘right’ or ‘acceptable’ ways. But deep inside each of our souls is a seed that is uniquely our own, it is just that some seeds don’t find the best growing conditions.

Part of our healing from lost self and co-dependency rests in finding out who we are, what we feel, need, want and desire. I think one of the saddest things is to see how when we get lost on the way to ourselves we can get ‘captured’. We can be captured or blown off course by systems, religions, some ‘self help’ strategies, by parents or friends, or more ‘powerful’ others who convince us that we must follow their ways or get rid of parts of ourselves we may have come to associate with shame. It was a revelation for me in early sobriety to read John Bradshaw’s book Healing The Shame That Binds You. In this book he showed how our valuable feelings can become ‘shame bound’. That is when they are actively discouraged or rejected by others or we are made to feel bad or defective for having them we can no longer just feel these feelings such as sadness, anger and fear without also feeling ashamed. The saddest thing about what Bradshaw calls ‘toxic shame’ is that it convinces us that we are not worthy unless we change, in the book Bradshaw explores therapist Alice Miller’s ideas of poisonous pedagogy outlined in several of her books ” Thou Shalt Not Be Aware and The Drama of the Gifted Child, that comes from the idea of being born with original sin. That said as kids we do need education about how to care for others and consider their needs and value, but never at the expense of our own.

The journey back to knowing and liking who we are may be a long one for many of us, most especially those of us blamed for being ourselves or not learning how early conditioning may have set us up with limitations which means we judge ourselves against those who may have had more opportunities or greater support.

Learning to champion ourselves is an important path of our healing, learning to understand the introjects and inner criticism which tears us off at the root or forces us to accept poor growing conditions and not seek for new ones. Undervaluing our true self, cutting off linkages with sources of positive nourishment, not allowing ourselves to express our true selves out of fear are all problems for those of us who grew up with toxic shame. Over caring for others may also be another result if we grew up in narcissistic families.

The path back to self love and self acceptance and liking who we are so that we can live comfortably and naturally within our own skin is a very important one. Learning to find our connection to Universal source within and realise the part of our soul that is eternal and connected to life force is also so important. In 12 step recovery we slowly break out connections to things that function to cut us off from source and our true self and deepest feelings. A lot of focus in the steps is put on ‘defects of character’ but what about our assets and gifts. We all have them, we all have our own song to sing but we also exist for relationship too. And the more we know and love and respect ourselves then the more we can link that self with others and not fear being swallowed or rejected. The more we accept and live our true path rather than one imposed or only socially sanctioned by others the freer we will feel.