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Flogged

My inner critic whipped my skinny arse so hard this afternoon I was down on the floor crying nearly doubled up in foetal position. I had this very powerful image of my inner child being besieged by this manic almost demonic force that was just criticising and lampooning and shaming her to the point inner adult had to step in and tell the crazy bitch to back the fuck away. The being actually had a huge whip out and was trying to beat my inner child with it.

It’s hard to go public with this stuff but I think if an inner figure of the psyche can appear this vividly then its a sign a shift is about to happen for me. I am aware that Venus in Scorpio will be plumbing the unconscious depths over the next few weeks as it moves towards my natal Neptune in the third house it will also be hitting my sister’s Saturn and as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon. I am aware of that go go go driving energy of Mars Moon that was around me in childhood I lashed out a Jasper for mucking up my clean car seat on Friday after he went for an impromptu ‘swim’ chasing ducks down at the lake beach close to the Peace Park. I actually gave him two slaps with my hand while another part of me was watching knowing what I was doing was not right. This calls to mind a similar incident of punishment by my mother my nephew shared with me when he came back for Mum’s funeral 2 years ago. My niece in law and I were talking about this compulsive stuff just this afternoon as her husband goes manic too, around mess and disorganisation but apparently not as much as his older brother.

I probably won’t ever fully live up to the demands of my perfectionist inner critic. That does not mean that I should not strive for improvement or progress and to be free of things that challenge me but it does ask of me to look at the way I react when things seem to go outside of my own control. This is a big issue for adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics, the need for control as a defence. I hate being flogged in this way but I am aware that the need for boundaries is valid too. I need to take action to keep things healthy when I can. It is just sometimes all these boundary and control issues can so often turn confusing. I don’t know how the critic thinks being shaming and nasty is going to encourage mu inner child to change. Surely there is a kinder way? Or a way to be more accepting of my own humanity.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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10 thoughts on “Flogged”

  1. Yes there is! but you need to ask yourself, what is this part doing? How is it trying to help? Thats what my therapist asks me when my parts act out or act up. There’s always reasons behind why the critic does what she does. Xxxx

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  4. Its agonizing I know can relate first hand ,

    The truth is that Life is not meant to be a intense sprint but a marathon of endurance, we should always to be better than our previous yesterday. Just like energy always churning from its previous form growing stronger more vibrant with raw power.

    Easier said then done trust me I get it there are days where no matter how much I fight and wager to find my ground no matter its eroding my foundation beneath me and there is nothing I can do.

    ” Brace myself for reign of Hell that awaits me”

    https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/09/26/inferno-of-chaos/

    Slainte

    Alex

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    1. I don’t know I had to struggle so hard last night in the maelstrom to be their for my tormented trauamatised child. In the end I think I only managed 4 and a half hours sleep.. I know what you mean entirely though.. so much physical violation or trauma leaves terrible residues and we often feel to blame (or at least I do) there was no protector there in youth so I internalised that Nazi part. Its the sense I make of it.

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      1. Take it as it comes for me its day by day

        After enduring so much insuffering and subjected into Brimstone’s belly of fire it’s because of me I am alive. Those that tried to break me maimed me , asyphxiate me into silent terror. You thought I would crumble …guess what you were all fucking wrong.

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