My inner critic whipped my skinny arse so hard this afternoon I was down on the floor crying nearly doubled up in foetal position. I had this very powerful image of my inner child being besieged by this manic almost demonic force that was just criticising and lampooning and shaming her to the point inner adult had to step in and tell the crazy bitch to back the fuck away. The being actually had a huge whip out and was trying to beat my inner child with it.
It’s hard to go public with this stuff but I think if an inner figure of the psyche can appear this vividly then its a sign a shift is about to happen for me. I am aware that Venus in Scorpio will be plumbing the unconscious depths over the next few weeks as it moves towards my natal Neptune in the third house it will also be hitting my sister’s Saturn and as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon. I am aware of that go go go driving energy of Mars Moon that was around me in childhood I lashed out a Jasper for mucking up my clean car seat on Friday after he went for an impromptu ‘swim’ chasing ducks down at the lake beach close to the Peace Park. I actually gave him two slaps with my hand while another part of me was watching knowing what I was doing was not right. This calls to mind a similar incident of punishment by my mother my nephew shared with me when he came back for Mum’s funeral 2 years ago. My niece in law and I were talking about this compulsive stuff just this afternoon as her husband goes manic too, around mess and disorganisation but apparently not as much as his older brother.
I probably won’t ever fully live up to the demands of my perfectionist inner critic. That does not mean that I should not strive for improvement or progress and to be free of things that challenge me but it does ask of me to look at the way I react when things seem to go outside of my own control. This is a big issue for adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics, the need for control as a defence. I hate being flogged in this way but I am aware that the need for boundaries is valid too. I need to take action to keep things healthy when I can. It is just sometimes all these boundary and control issues can so often turn confusing. I don’t know how the critic thinks being shaming and nasty is going to encourage mu inner child to change. Surely there is a kinder way? Or a way to be more accepting of my own humanity.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Yes there is! but you need to ask yourself, what is this part doing? How is it trying to help? Thats what my therapist asks me when my parts act out or act up. There’s always reasons behind why the critic does what she does. Xxxx
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Okay I think you are right, Carol Anne. I really think you are.
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Also, your so brave to talk about it! I relate so much to what your saying! ❤ feels good not to be alone with how I feel!
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Aww that’s not great to hear you also suffer but at least good to know we aren’t alone. ❤ ❤ ❤
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The first step is admitting it and being open about it. You are not alone
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Thank you so much Gere
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Its agonizing I know can relate first hand ,
The truth is that Life is not meant to be a intense sprint but a marathon of endurance, we should always to be better than our previous yesterday. Just like energy always churning from its previous form growing stronger more vibrant with raw power.
Easier said then done trust me I get it there are days where no matter how much I fight and wager to find my ground no matter its eroding my foundation beneath me and there is nothing I can do.
” Brace myself for reign of Hell that awaits me”
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/09/26/inferno-of-chaos/
Slainte
Alex
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I don’t know I had to struggle so hard last night in the maelstrom to be their for my tormented trauamatised child. In the end I think I only managed 4 and a half hours sleep.. I know what you mean entirely though.. so much physical violation or trauma leaves terrible residues and we often feel to blame (or at least I do) there was no protector there in youth so I internalised that Nazi part. Its the sense I make of it.
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Take it as it comes for me its day by day
After enduring so much insuffering and subjected into Brimstone’s belly of fire it’s because of me I am alive. Those that tried to break me maimed me , asyphxiate me into silent terror. You thought I would crumble …guess what you were all fucking wrong.
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You are here stronger than ever. Alex.
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