Being with pain

I felt the same deep sadness this morning over being left out yesterday.. The irony is that if I went along to the movies I may have ended up not having as good a day as I managed to have on my own doing things I love with Jasper, simple things like going to the dog park, getting a coffee and watching passers by, writing and reading. But never the less this deep deep well of pain was with me this morning, so a moment ago I just sat with it and it was then that I noticed pain has a lot of vibration and movement in it. Its very far from static and that the more I turned torward that pain the more connected I felt and the more it is calmed and soothed.

I found myself in another inner beat up today, it all surrounded the reasons why I believe myself to be excluded and they all involve me being a mistake and not measuring up but I know my thoughts are not facts and that is why at times I need to get out of my head into action but I must not do this as a distraction either. There are times my pain asks me to be with it for a while. I was thinking too after my depressive collapse yesterday afternoon after talking to my sister of Rumi’s poem The Guest House where he speaks of welcoming all feelings in and taking time to be with them like welcoming guests. I was also thinking of the 13th witch/fairy that was the rejected one left out of the christening for the young baby in some fairytale I read a long while back how she then turns into a malevolent force in the child’s life. I don’t wish for this in my life. I wish to remain in love. I know being excluded is not the end, its a constant theme with me and one I have to accept. I just don’t fit in in a lot of places and at times it hurts and then I judge myself to be so inadequate, but that kind of thinking doesn’t get me far.

I am also sad today seeing the ways I tried to get attention from people and ended up lying to myself and being false, there was a period there after my marriage ended where I was very lost because I had not yet found the way home to my True Self. That is happening for me really slowly now and I enjoy the depth of being all alone and engaging inwardly. I enjoy blog space most particularly where I DO get to connect though not in th physical realm. WordPress gives me so much and connects me to such precious like minded souls who also carry pain.

Anyway I wanted to write a poem about how my pain is actually full of movement and texture and depth but its sunny today and I want to get out for a walk too, to blow away the sadness still lingering and the cobwebs from my mind and heart. I will work on that poem later. I will go out and draw warmth from the comfort of the sun. I Just thought of the expression used in the AA Big Book. Beyond Human Aid. Its a sad expression but its how I can feel sometimes with people who are not connected or able to connect. Luckily at times of sadness like this I can connect with myself. I can feel my raw tender bruised fragile places. I don’t have to deny them or my history. I can give them attention and I do not have to get stuck in them. I can touch them gently with love. That for me is a big thing, it is a precious gift.