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A dark space

I am a very dark place at the moment. My head pain has been intense. I tried reconnecting with my sister but everytime we talk I just feel so sad. I know this is not a reason to cut anything off but I feel the same terrible sense of purposeless and emptiness in her at present. As an empath I don’t know if I picked up on her feelings or if this is grief because often we would go to the movies on Saturday with Mum and her best friend and today she invited my sister to the movies and not me and with Mum now gone its probably just triggering Saturday blues. Don’t think please that this is a sour grapes post. I wasn’t included and that is fine but it did really hurt me. I probably was better off doing my own thing but as soon as I got off the phone I just could not stop crying, I wonder what the purpose of my life is. Why I should continue on as things are. I know these are probably just passing feelings but tonight I feel so terribly drained and low.

I really want to be in a place of life and not deadness. I really want some happy life but its all so dark at the moment with radiotherapy looming for my sister. I am trying to stay connected but not take on too much, that said I cannot cut off feeling and I feel for my sister. I just feel like such a waste of space though this afternoon. The inner critic is back on the case giving me a really hard time about how I haven’t individuated and at 57 I am just so far behind in having a connected engaged happy life. I’ve also got the issue with helping Scott with the last bit of money to get him off of his deployment. Something in my head is saying only a desperate lonely empty person would have pursued this so far, that said I know how supportive the connection is that we share and how unconditional.

I find its always best when I am feeling like this to externalise my thoughts though. I need to get them out of my head and onto the page. The issue of not being included or just forgotten probably has just been triggered big time. I had placed a call to my sister at 11 am to see if she wanted to catch up and she returned the call at 5pm. That said it was good to hear from her anyway….but I always come off the phone feeling so so sad. Anyway everything is okay. I just need to let myself feel dark and sad until it passes like a gathering storm. I just knelt on the kitchen floor and wept so deeply I hope I got all the sadness out of my system for just a while.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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21 thoughts on “A dark space”

  2. Allowing your feeling to take their course and shed them out with tears is very healthy and constructive with moving forward with life. Being in tune and understanding your emotions is a wonderful thing for keeping the dark from grabbing hold. Best wishes.

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  6. I’m sorry I’m late in reading this. I would have felt a bit left out and ‘meh’, for lack of a better word, in the movies situation too. I do think sometimes we need to ‘go with it’ when we feel sad and exhausted with life, because pushing to feel a bit better often doesn’t work, we just need time to experience it. How are you doing today? Sending lots of love  ♥ ♥
    Caz xx

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    1. Im feeling a lot brighter today Caz, I just think the two of them don’t think about including me at all.. Im not on the radar. I have accepted it. It was painful and I cried a lot but I came to terms with it actually giving in to how I felt and not making anyone wrong. I feel a lot better. I had a nice chat with my sister yesterday she is in a difficult place and its hard for her to think much of me right now. Its okay. I need to understand and be more realistic. I cant change it. So much love to you. How are you feeling lately Caz? xoox

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      1. I think that just shows how resilient you are. I used to get really low about not being invited to things, used to wonder what was wrong with me or why people didn’t like me. I wondered why some people gave up so easily when I wasn’t well too, like ‘don’t bother with her any more’. It does reflect more on other people, and like you I think I felt better coming to terms with it. Actually, being on my own since having zero social life any more has made me more independent, I’m cool with my own company, I’m not reliant on others to feel better unlike pretty much all the people I used to know. We have to try to see some benefits to it, right? 😉 I’m glad you had a good chat with your sister, but I’m sorry she’s doing it so tough.. I think there’s being realistic, and there’s expecting to be treated with thought and compassion. It’s hard to draw the line sometimes. Maybe we expect too much of others because we expect a lot of ourselves? Anyway, I’m just glad you’re doing a little better. I’m okay.. still ticking along! xxxx

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      2. Do you also think Caz we don’t understand that others are just not that switched on sensitive or caring as us? It might seem concieted but maybe its special to be like us and we need to value who we are more. Reframing things does take some of the sting out though so we dont suffer so much… I am glad to hear you are doing a bit better. I really appreciate you.. much love to you xoxo

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  7. I think you’re right, we don’t always realise that others don’t feel/react/behave like us, so when the whole ‘treat others as you’d expect them to treat you’ thing comes into it, it doesn’t work and we get hurt. Much love to you too, Deborah  ♥ ♥

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