I have given all I can : reflections on limits and self care.

I got to therapy feeling very hollowed out and exhausted today, but its all good as I feel I am finally hitting the core of so many of my issues. I see how much I have carried and how hard I have tried and how so often I felt I had to push on all alone. It came out today that I feared leaning on anyone for fear of being destroyed or over powered. I don’t know if it just has to do with a keen sensitivity. I was informed a while back that some of us in tribal times were the watchers. These souls were the ones who read the air for signs and had to watch hard to survive, they also may have seen more deeply into things. I only know from a young age I learned to hide and rely on myself. I feared getting close because often doing so came with pain and I did not really know how to ask for what I needed and even if I did I am not sure where I would have turned.

That is why this latest situation with Scott has been so very painful. Finally someone who wants to be there for me but I have to pray the price and its just getting far too high at this point and costing me far too much. (At least that is what I began to realise over past days.) I have now decided I cannot help any more and its very sad that I will have to do this and in some way I feel I have failed but really I haven’t, feelings like those are not always ‘facts’.

I know that ultimately deep within our souls we have to learn to turn to ourselves and rely on our selves most solidly in hard times. We can ask for help but only to certain limits. As adults we must also face the consequences of our actions. A lot of my actions in the past have come out of confusion, trauma or anxiety and so the decisions I have made sometimes (often) I have not made in full consciousness. I only became conscious of the effect after the decision and travelling some way down the road. As I look back, like most people, I see where I may not have been up to the challenges presented, but I do know I did my very best under what were so often very difficult circumstances.

I also realised in therapy today that somewhere along the line I came to believe I was ‘bad’ or that there was something wrong with me. I watched an interview with Australian comedian Hannah Gadsby last night who has just been diagnosed with autism and the interviewer Pete Hellier asked her what advice she may have to give to others who struggled with fitting into parameters that didn’t suit them. Hannah advised to just trust your own feelings and to not try as hard to be involved in situations, activities or people that did not sit right with the person. Her diagnosis of autism made her realise why she thought differently to the mainstream, it also gave her acceptance of who she was.

Today as I cried in therapy it was such a relief as I saw finally with clarity what a truly good person I am, and how hard I have struggled on in my life. Sadly at times, not knowing my own value or worth, I stuck around in situations I should not have, I tried to twist myself out of shape to be accepted, but all that happened in the end was that I ended up abandoning myself. Today going to therapy I felt that hollow core inside that so often could collapse in the vicinity of more powerful others, at times I have felt like I did not have a leg to stand on.

And lately I am seeing that maybe my brother holding back this money for a time may not be the worst thing that can happen. I am going to get legal advice into my rights next week. I just want to know where I stand. I have a right to my inheritance, I may not have worked for a long time due to PTSD and suffering a head injury in 2005, the truth is perhaps I could have undertaken part time work but I chose instead to get a dog and be there for family at a time they were ill or aging. I made those choices out of love and because I value the feminine side of life. I can often think I chose the wrong thing, but I don’t think I did. There were just times I allowed myself to be pushed by those with stronger wills and self assertion into things not quiet right for me.

Somewhere deep inside at those times I would hear a little voice saying things were not right, but it was not always that easy to listen to it. Finding the way back to a solid sense of myself as good and worthy and of value has taken some time. Luckily these days I am surrounded mainly by those who know my worth and accept and love me as I am. I may fear sometimes I wont be accepted but maybe the truth is that that fear is often just False Evidence Appearing Real, I don’t have to just Fuck Everything And Run. I can face up and get a reality check. I can also take steps to make things better my taking assertive action to care for myself and my environment.

I am seeing now that for me self nurture and self care needs to become a priority. I have given a lot to others in my life but now its time to really be there for me and put limits around giving to others who actually need to step up in their own lives and take accountability for their actions. It feels a much more solid, realistic and grounded place to be.