I am writing this in response to a post I just read about how frustrating it is when suffering from depression to be told things or led to believe you should be doing something else to rise about, change or ‘fix’ it. If that were possible I am sure the person would have done it by now. Who chooses to feel like they have a ten ton weight settled on their chest, as if all their limbs are tied up in barbed wire or as if they cannot breath or move on awakening. No one, buddy!
I watched one of my sister’s subjected to the emotional violation of a fixathon of one of her relatives. For the purposes of her protection (since she does not yet know I am writing this) I wont say who it was, but the prescription involved yelling at her to get out of bed close to the anniversary of our father’s death at a family Christmas then being put on a bus and sent home, 200 miles away when she was in a collapse. Prior to this she had come out of a suicide attempt and four long psychiatric stints one of which involved a course of shock treatment Seeing her in the catatonic state after that nearly tore my heart out of my chest. Why was no one else, except my mother and I outraged by it?
Where was the healing hug? The arm wrapped around her shoulder, the tender words “we love you in any state, you dont have to change to make us feel less uncomfortable?” For pure and simple that it what our depression does to others and that is fair enough but the depressed person is already struggling enough without all that other ‘shit’ being laid on them.
I am not meaning here to judge too much those who respond to the valid feelings of powerlessness that a loved one’s depression may cause you, but do educate yourself. I am currently half way through the book Reasons to Stay Alive which I shared about earlier in the week and the author Matt Haig had a severe depression come upon him at the age of 24, he had suicidal thoughts AND his partner stayed by his side throughout and supported him even though she struggled to understand what he was going through. He sites her loyalty as a big reason why he eventually recovered. Sure he had to do his inner work to recover which including coming to know the inside workings of his mind and heart in greater depth than he did before depression struck. But he had the support of those who loved him
I was never supported in my depression by two partners over a ten year period. I was told if I didnt ‘shape up’ they would be out of there and that is what happened. The first ending brought back all the combined losses of my life, the second one nearly killed me and fucked up a lot of my trust in human nature. Obviously I had to travel my own path of healing without a life partner, I watched others leave at times. I know what its like to be sidelined for grief I still had to proces had not yet integraged amongst other things. I feel strongly about stimatising of so called ‘mental illness’ which so often have an emotional basis. I wont shut up about the issue until I die.
Emerging From The Dark Night 