I ended up having a healing encounter with my Mum this afternoon. I took her down to the fruit and veg market but before we went she was able to open up about her heart and its worries and concerns and I saw deeper today into what she carries and the love she has inside for her family. I see how scared she is to ‘burden’ us. She said its hard to call or make contact with my sisters’ sons (the sister who died 3 years ago) because she doesnt want to cry with them in case its too much for them. But I think my Mum needs to shed those tears.
I also saw deeper today into the resistance I have around being close, as if, if i care too much I will be swallowed whole and partly this is due to high empathy which means if I see my Mum and she is sad I start to cry and often, even at a great distance I pick up psychically on her as she does on me. The more protective barriers I have, the harder it is though, I just need the discrimination to see what is coming from her to me and what I may be a conduit for, but that said some of that is my pain too. I can feel with her, hold her hand and I know I carry part of her inner child that is now releasing from the grip of its own fears, defences and resistances to being fully alive, imperfect and messy!
Later in the day I spoke to my sister and it turns out a lot of the worries Mum has been expressing to me are just not based in fact. I am going to have to set boundaries with Mum around what we share about a third party behind their back. All of us three are struggling with not a huge amount of support and we try to support both ourselves and each other the best we can. We also need boundaries around that.
Anyway I am going to dinner tonight with them as a family. I know that our connection is not always superficial as I said in an earlier blog. I know we all have emotions going on under the surface which are not easy to express and that as adults we have to contain ourselves. For now I am going to focus on the love that is there and reach for connection because to cut it off due to projection of past difficulties which are now transforming keeps me trapped in old patterns. Together we are growing and trying to heal and at this time of year associated with a big loss in all our lives its important we have some togetherness time. I am grateful that today I can allow that in.
Emerging From The Dark Night 