Im not travelling well

Thing’s have gone badly downhill for me over the past few weeks. I’ve been fighting my body, overtrunnung and at times overdoing things. I got especially triggered by a therapist I went to see after a bad reaction to my long term therapist’s dropping me. I panicked and made an appointment with this guy and his take on life and being human was spot on but the session went on for over 3 hours and he kept me waiting at the beginning for about 40 minutes. He didn’t seem prepared then towards the end of the session he wanted me to get onto a table and lie still playing music and ‘rebalancing’ my energy, but due to my teeth issue it felt entirely too much to relax and when I resisted he got quite aggressive with me telling me my fear was a huge issue, that may be true but this was also about boundaries, I’d been there too long, had hardly eaten at that stage and it was a long trip there. For the next few days I battled a mix of both anger and confusion and sadly didn’t reach out to discuss it all so my body started to go into that frozen pattern as self recrimination battled my longing to find my True Selfs reaction.

Considering Venus is due to go retrograde in 3 days relational.issues are rising up, I’m getting past flashbacks as I see how much I negate my own instincts and bow under to appease out of fear. Stronger wills just seem to over power me a lot. And the longing to connect makes me vulnerable and then its a short step to handing over responsibility of my inner child to that person’s take or point of view.

After a week of struggling and two calls to the ambulance I’m now sitting in casualty. My fear of the authorities is lessening as I trust while I see how much fear has made me fight at times. Truth is I’m bloody exhausted from.battling both my body and my mind. It was painful to.leave Jasper who got all excited when the two paramedics arrived and then as I packed a few things raced around all exciting thinking he was finally getting out for walk and a play. Such a message from my inner child.

Im all out of solutions at present I guess God is showing me critical lessons in all of this but my gut is in a knot and my head on fire it’s like I’ve been exploding over past days the emotional intensity has been off the Richter. I’ve literally felt like I am dying over past days.

Anyway that’s my update. I am sad as after coming out of hospital in May I had about 6 very good weeks, was it because I stopped some of the medications or that I let others demands pull on me again? Whatever it was or is Im exhausted. But as usual I need to keep on weathering the storm but I just wish my mind and fears did not always make such hard work of life

All.they want to do is give me drugs. The drugs scare me the way they zone me out and what are the long term effects?

Hugs not drugs comes so mind. I feel better when a good friend visits to support me and lately I allow that need. I never had that loving mother there and now I still often struggle to find her inside me.

A recent talk on the Cancer New Moon opposite Pluto by KMoon spoke about thus being a major time if us confronting fears of being fully authentic. I often fear being my real true self will end up with me being alienated but just how high is the price then of ‘belonging’ and how to maintain loving connections this seems yo be the big issue for me lately.

On investigation it seems the side effects of the meds have been causing much inner stress on my body. The power of negative influence. How heartbreaking.