Struggling to hold onto my inner center : struggles with anxiety and helplessness

I notice a lot lately when I get totally overwhelmed and fall into my helpless inner child. At times I feel like I am never alone and when I reach out for life and joy I feel good, but I am also noticing a force in me that is so fearful and believes the end is close, this part of me has a lot of trust issues and surrenders to the feeling so often that the power lies outside of me and at times it drops me into a deep deep pool of aloneness and sadness, (could this be ancestral? See below. When this happens to me I start scrambling very very hard and look around for someone to call in a panic instead of turning inside.

I have heard it said that the level of our anxiety is proportional to the distance from our inner child or true self. When I am being told to do something at odds for me suddenly I begin to feel very very anxious.

I could often fall into that lonely child state between 3 and 7 at night, it was something I began to notice more and more while doing therapy, that was the time I was left alone and my mother was also left all alone by her mother. As child it must have felt so hard for my Mum, she had no father and Nana was not a nurturer. This failure of nurture pattern got passed down and so for many years I did not know how to nurture myself and I see in my three siblings various struggles with this Cancer Moon issue. And as Mercury currently transits through Capricorn in opposition I am seeing where I draw other confused voices in that act like the voice of authority giving me solutions and a lot of these are not the solutions I would choose but when I fall into that helpless state then I loose my ground and it happened after such a bad day yesterday where I was basically in seizure mode all morning and spoke to the Lifeline counsellor and my sister they were telling me go to the doctor so I made an appointment. But after those two conversations that took place around 4 pm yesterday I suddenly felt all of my energy disappearing as I began to fall into a void and the force of it was so strong I basically had to get into bed at 6 pm and could not eat. I stayed there until 7 or so this morning but all night I was basically scared I could not get t today, that I was actually dying and since I had been running low on food yesterday and ate so little, I was also anxious that overnight my body would disintegrate. That wasn’t the case I was actually able to get up, go to the shop and get all of my groceries at about 8 am.. And things were okay until I realised I had been pressured into making the doctor’s appointment and then there was a huge argument going on in my head. My IC obviously did not want to go to the doctor but the parental part of me was telling me to front up and at least see how it made my energy feel.

The long and the short of it is that he has given me a referral letter to see a new psychologist since Katina has dropped me Something I am also not sure about but still feel that I need help with boundary issues and self assertion as well as knowing or not knowing how to cope when or if, I feel overwhelmed by others.

After I got out the doctor’s surgery it felt like I was being released from a kind of alien space where feelings were stewing around deeply underground. And while there I tried to tell him about this helpless young part of me and he just sat there trying to take it all in while wearing a mask. I see I have in the past had such a big fear of authority.

I just spoke to my brother who yesterday had knee replacement surgery. He started hammering me too about what to eat and when i tried to explain what had happened in hospital, that I was not in fact in a psychosis, he told me that was definately not right, that a piece of plastic didnt get trapped in my body but I fucking well felt it. This makes me so angry while typing and I am beginning to see these voices of authority telling me what is and is not true as so disturbing. The effort to hold onto my own reality is so painful. Also my sister told my brother something I told her in confidence which makes me realize she is not a safe person to talk to or to look to for any kind of trust.

This post is a bit of a mess. I feel a bit chaotic in my body today. I am trying to take steps to get into my body and not be held as hostage by my anxiety but lately I must be honest, it has felt totally overpowering at times. Its funny too how my family would rather boss me around than actually front up to be supportive or helpful in any way. Sometimes I hate the family I was born into, but then I blame myself for not having taken more steps to be independent. That is a mistake I made and did not correct and one that is haunting me a bit to be honest, much as I know both Mum and Dad worked so hard (Saturn/Capricorn) to build a financial foundation and that is a bequest of the heart that I am entitled too, at times I feel still feel guilt and shame over it, until I remember the degree of trauma I suffered due to the long term impact of ancestral emotional neglect. Neither I nor my three siblings have had loving partners who stayed through everything to support, my brother lives in another town to his wife, my sister in the home was abandoned by her husband and of course Jonathan left me in 2004. That is not the end of the story for me but its a pattern. One of separation that my guides have informed me is spoken of a great deal by multi-generational trauma specialist Mark Wolynn.