A friend that it appears is not really a friend.

Disappointments in friendships are not easy. It is not easy to feel that your friends look down on you or that they do not really understand your heart and soul. Of course we cannot always expect that of another human being. And the true thing is that they might feel they have compassion or have your back but at times they can be so wrong. And when there seems to be no willingness for them to extend their curiousity into your reality maybe then it is time to say its just not working any more.

I had a very huge dispute with a friend over the weekend. Ostensibly it was about a scamming issue, she saw me as being naive and the accused me of not listening when I took my own path which was different from the one she advised me to take. For some reason this angered her and was a blow to her ego I do not know which but then came the kicker, she was the one who came to see me on that day I remember clearly as being one of my lowest in my recent hospitalisation, the one before my decent to hell over the next 10 days or so that saw me taken into ICU. I clearly remember it was the 23rd of March and by that stage I had been in hospital for 16 days, 16 days of hell having medications forced on me that I as a recovering alcoholic never took. 16 days of having successions of doctors so clinical and removed making choices about me. 16 days of being in wards with people being over medicalised in all kinds of distress. Anyway on the day before this they had forced a metal tube down my nose with big bit of plastic on the end, I gagged during the process and they had to remove it and later that day my stomach exploded as something which broke off worked its way through my system but not according to them, according to them I was out of my mind and psychotic. I will never forget the darkness, the sheer hell of it and after this I was feeling myself on the brink of death which was when this friend visited me only to be called out by the psychiatrists who then had an Electro Convulsive Therapy order slapped on me. I dont know what was said then but apparently multiple calls were made to my brother and niece in law. I only remember feeling I was going into the Underworld. I will not go into the following days of being strapped to bed in ICU on a board and pinned down and drugged as they forced another feeding tube into my throat. Things after that went blurry for days, I was wetting myself as nurses tore sheets from under me. I was in some kind of dream/nighmare state in which I had to perform Herculean feats of repair and somehow then I was exiled to an island for breaking the heart of the man I had loved. I am not entirely sure of the spiritual truth of this only to say that deep attachment wounds have made it impossible at time to trust and to love and to surrender.

What was so upsetting on the call yesterday was that my friend then virtually lambasted me for getting so ill and making the lives of my friends so difficult and hard, as if I had deliberately chosen to fall ill. And as my good friend from AA said today to say this to me was a kind of abuse, an abuse that last night made me feel like I was literally being torn apart inside. It was the lack of empathy that got to me. And yes I understand how distressing it is but does a true friend say this to you. As my AA friend says this person was actually almost shaming me for daring to be vulnerable and instead of owning her own feelings of fear and helplessness was dissing it all out on me in a form of anger.

With Mars and Venus now continuing to travel closer and closer together in the final degrees of Leo it is a sensitive time for egos. I am aware too of the Saturn transit to my natal Chiron at 6 degrees of Pisces. It passed over this placement in direct motion those 3 t 4 months ago and is now backtracking. So much of my own wounding and inability with good strong ego boundaries is being made clear to me. My friend is such a strong and positive person and has overcome so much herself, but being treated this way over the weekend made me feel just so worthless in so many ways. Possibly that reaction is mine to own. She was also making commandments to me to shut down certain social media sites I use and when I asked her what gave her the right she said to me I never commanded you, I asked you. And when I got angry and tried to stand up for my right to choose he shamed me for being angry when my anger was the only way I knew how to protest the feeling of being commanded to give up something in my life that is not all bad and has positive elements. Not a single sorry was ever even said.

I am consciously aware that this friend is a drinker, at times I feel such a hard wall there between us, maybe this is my issue I do not know. But I just felt the need to share about it. Lately it seems a kind of sorting process is going on as I am recognizing friends who are heart friends from friends who only connect on a head level. Today she also accused me of not appreciating how much she has overcome and struggled in her own life which is so blatantly not true. It seemed any time I tried to voice how things felt that was being twisted around to make me into a bad or unempathic person.

Louise Hay says we should not gossip about things but never the less I just needed to share this on my blog tonight. My body went so haywire when I felt this person trouncing all over my boundaries on Sunday and it was interesting to me that all of this happened in the lead up to the Moon squaring the Sun from Aries to Cancer, so this relates to the Moon (Cancer) and Mars (Aries ) issues and in her synastry her Saturn in Aquarius at 7 degrees sits one degree of my own Moon Mars Saturn conjunction. All through the call she was siting logic and rationality and almost eschewing all feeling, it was also not possible to make any kind of appeal to her heart whatsoever. I have heard it said that in synastry having someone’s Saturn on ones Moon is like a kind of heavy parent energy in which one person, the Moon person) feels repressed and stifled by the Saturn person. I can most certainly attest to that. And in comparison to other friendships I am finding this one no longer suits my soul. Hard to say but possibly kinder in the long run.

A few years ago she told me I was living half a life, when I have had the degree of trauma and loss I have that is fucking unfair and untrue. At the time I had to suck it up and went back but now I am not happy about it. A true friend does not do this to you. They do not diminish you in this way. And I will no longer allow myself to be so diminished.