I had a very upsetting encounter with my sister this morning. It seems just to be so hard to be truly seen by her and to get her to acknowledge anything difficult from the past, especially around my own neglect. But not only this, today she was actively shaming and mocking me for being ‘stuck in the past’. I have had to look into my past to understand a lot. There is no way I want to keep carrying that wounding forward and I also know how important it is to live in the present but so much has happened in my life that I wish was so different, while knowing that it cannot be different. So lately its very much a case of having the veils removed from my eyes in seeing not only the impact on me but others too, and the difficult and perhaps unhealthy decisions taken out of past wounds.
Truth is nothing can be changed. Today is a new day but sadly sometimes the past just tends to flood into the present and when it does the effect can feel weakening. Luckily today I was able to get support from Lifeline and later in the day my therapist called. We are no longer working together but I am still able to be in touch with her which was a help today. But in some ways also I felt the dragging back into a lot of that past darkness to be completely exhausting. It has been rainy and overcast here today and I can struggle on those days when the light and energy of the sun shining is absent. I have stopped my addiction to coffee and have just been sitting quietly for some of the day in silence. Despite the reams of anxiety I was in earlier today I seem to have come through to a calmer space this evening.
Sadly I never knew before what self care or self containment was. It was never that easy for me to hold myself but today I felt that I did that. I also crawled back into bed with the two conversations got so tiring for me. Night is drawing in and I must confess is often my favorite time of day. Somehow at dusk it is easier to feel peaceful and also a kind of spiritual connection if that makes any sense. I am just finding the quiet and solace to be the best healing balm right now.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I could never talk to my sister about what happened to us – she chose not to do therapy and just wanted to look forward. Only recently, has she started to see a therapist. It makes a difference. Family are sometimes the least empathetic, mainly because they too are trying to survive in their own way.
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This is the most helpful comment. You’ve described the situation exactly. If I talk of confusion hurt or pain she makes me wrong but only because she is in such pain herself. Where are you in the birth order VJ? Was it just you and your sisters in the family? I’d be so interested to know. Thanks so much for your commen4 and for being here. ❤️
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I am fifth of six for my Mother, and first for my Father, so interesting dynamic. I remember studying with Bernie Siegel – he said that if you took each family member aside and asked them to tell their story you would not think they were all one unit. Certainly true for our gang
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True for most siblings I think.
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Siblings can be hard to talk too sometimes… I have 3 sisters and one brother. I only speak to one sister on a regular basis, the rest ignore me as they can’t deal with the issues I have had. They just don’t want to know what I have experienced the past few years and I also believe they are afraid of becoming a target, as our older sister was. Ironically, she is also the only one I talk to these days…We have bonded as targets of the same Bullies… I lost a lot of people the past few years since the websites in my name started showing up in 2017…It still hurts sometimes but I have accepted it. Some people just can’t accept that someone they care about is in pain and don’t know what to do, so they avoid you and the situation. I find it sad.
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Its deeply sad Stella. I have had that kind of treatment from siblings and so called friends. My trauma and honesty made them uncomfortable just as you said. I see it this way the true friends will reach in and affirm you in sadness and pain. I am sure many take their lives for just this reason so it’s wonderful you are not only surviving but thriving. Sending you love ❤️
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Thank you, sending you much love as well!! Yes, trauma is hard to understand for a lot of people but what I find the saddest is they don’t want to try either. I have accepted that and moved on. I still have a lot of life left in me yet and not ready to quit. I made a choice to live this life I have for me, not for anyone else. Now, I make myself happy and it works… Hope you have a fabulous weekend!
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Its been a super tough one Stella…but I’m doing my best to hang in there and you are SO RIGHT they don’t even want to try to understand.
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You are resilient enough to handle anything. One moment, one day, one situation, at a time… Don’t think about tomorrow or even yesterday, focus just on today. Sending lots of love your way and very positive thoughts for you!
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Excellent advice I am so grateful for your friendship hugs in return sqeetheart.
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My brother agrees rationally with a lot of what I say about our childhoods, but mostly disagrees emotionally. Lots of “others had it way worse”, “Mom and Dad has bad childhoods that’s why they are the way they are”. But like VJ so wisely said, I do feel he is surviving in his own way and that means he can’t connect to any of the emotions around it (his, or mine).
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❤️ maybe we all have different karma and different emotional challenges maybe we just can’t expect that understanding and much each walk our own path of destiny alone well not alone as we do find others who understand but separate and apart from our family
I kniw it hurts but in the end reality is reality. Sending so much love ❤️
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