Did re-experiencing my angry difficult feelings really help me? : Today’s insights and reflections

I have stopped therapy now. And I must say life feels less tumultuous and more peaceful. I just came across the following post that I wrote in July 2 years ago.

Fear of being overcome by overwhelming feelings : the importance of feeling work in therapy

In fact I listened to a very interesting interview the other morning on the Radio National show Life Matters with and addict turned counsellor who suffered from a meth amphetamine addiction as a teen and eventually managed to get into both rehab and recovery and now helps others. In it he spoke of the self esteem and shame issues he suffered as well as his fear over the stigma of ‘using’ which prevented him opening up to his parents. The interview was about how we need to see drug addiction issues not as moral failings or about criminality but rather as a health and mental health issue so as not to demonise and jail sufferers. This program highlighted to me the fear I also had of opening up to my parents back when I was really struggling in the years 1980 to 1982. In 1981 I took myself off to another place far away to study, changing my degree from teaching to social work. There as part of my studies I actually went into the probation and parol section of the prison system to work but I also got increasingly involved in using both alcohol and dope at that time and with a man who had both abuse and addiction issues. When this relationship got too overwhelming for me I came home and pleaded with my father to let me resume my teaching degree. He would not allow it. He came down very hard on me and told me I needed to go to secretarial college as my other degree ‘was not worth the paper it was written on’ and that I was too intelligent to be a teacher.. So why send me to secretarial college? I struggled there and in time my addiction worsened up to his death and for the 8 years following after which time I finally managed to become sober. A sobriety that I have now maintained since 1993.

As I look back at all of this I see I need to be congratulating myself for how far I have come. It was indeed important for me to understand how powerless and angry my father’s treatment had made me. But the angry and powerless feelings were only helpful as I came to see lately how vulnerable I very felt and also how boundaryless, feeling that others needs must always come first.

This week more pressure has been put on me to ‘rescue’ others for things not my responsibility. I rang Lifeline, our 24 hour phone counselling service here, to get support last night. My loneliness at times made me so vulnerable but the point is when I seek to love and fill myself up from within through self championing then the truth is that I no longer feel as lonely. For me loneliness comes from a feeling of being disconnected from what I need emotionally (Sun in the Moon ruled sign of Cancer now higlighting these inner needs.) Often my catholic education also made me struggle with feeling I should put others first. Scott continually plays on this by telling me how proud I will be of myself for helping him, to be helping myself then feels selfish, but is it? Fear, obligation and guilt (F.O.G.) often keep us wedded to these unhealthy patterns. And people around us can play on our ‘kindness’ but sometimes it is kinder to make others face and hold through their own issues. I do believe Scott is genuine and at the moment his mother is very ill, but that is also not my responsibility. Even writing that seems harsh to me but its how I feel at the moment when I look at the situation from a head centered more rational adult perspective.

This post has morphed in the course of writing it. I know those angry outburst in therapy outlined in the linked post above did cause a major melt down in my body. At times the feelings were hard to ‘hold’ tenderly. But I am getting better at it. The truth is we can give compassion to our wounded self as we can also learn how not to allow our feelings of early abandonment to hair trigger us into such overwhelming feelings of anxiety that we buckle under the pressure of projected ‘need’. This is where I find myself as the Moon slowly moves around to oppose the Sun in its ruling sign of Cancer soon. Setting up good boundaries for discipline and self care (Capricorn and Saturn) is so important for our Inner Child (Cancer/Moon). And as the Sun trines Saturn in Pisces this is the important work of the ‘now’ for me. I am working hard on my self healing and self love affirmations at present and I will be sharing more of them later on, as sharing that kind of healing wisdom with others really makes me feel I am finding my inner purpose through my shared healing journey. I love to help others in healthy ways.