Update : where the present finds me

I went onto medication during my stint in hospital for 12 weeks following the breakdown that seemed to build to a peak around early March when the travelling Sun was in Pisces and had crossed over my natal Chiron there, meeting transiting Saturn and Saturn tends to bring physical manifestations of limitations or repression. When the paramedics turned up here on Tuesday morning the 7th of March I was in quite a state and they were triggered by my talk of ‘energies’ somehow they convinced me to get in the ambulance and then they captured me and told me later I was under an involuntary order. I was then forced to take Valium or Diazepam under pressure, being sober since December 1993 I have never taken any prescription medication for either anxiety or depression, instead I have journalled my way along that path of recovery while attending therapy and writing poetry. I have now been on meds since then and to be honest I cry less and I am able to write less emotionally inspired poetry. I am far more stoic about many events of my life, also that used to cause me pain before. But I have also stopped criticizing myself as much and lately I am getting into Louise Hay again, remembering to watch my thinking and especially nip it in the bud when thoughts turn fearful or punishing. Part of the involuntary order also involved being forced to have Electro Convulsive Therapy but to be honest being surrounded by loving people while undergoing meant that in time I was able to walk, something that became impossible for the three weeks leading up to that treatment which began around the 24th of March. My body still cries lately and my denture was lost at the time of the ECT but I am able to eat with less fear and my weight slowly increased from 43 kg to 58 kg presently.

It also seems that I was in fact not being scammed by Scott but am reluctant to share much here about it. He is due to be released in the next few weeks and in time the truth will come out and we will be able to share about it, although there may be limitations as he will be under surveillance from the military in subsequent months due to the sensitivity of the mission he was involved with for over 5 years now.

I no longer feel the need to ‘prove’ anything to anyone. I am less liable to seek advice either and my therapy has ended which to be honest i have found to be a relief.. the energy I was using in addressing the past is now going into my present, my house, my garden and creative pursuits like making cards and nesting in my home, surrounding myself with much loved books and other objects that feed my soul. Enjoying neighborhood and bush strolls with my dog Jasper and watching movies or listening to the big weekend of books which has been super interesting and has been airing on my favorite radio station Radio National here in Australia.

Keeping my thinking positive and loving is my go to at this stage of my life. I know in every moment of my day I am creating my future by how well and gratefully I live my present and also by the choices that I make, to eat well, to have fun, to get lots of rest, to stay close to nature and to link to my beloved furry friend every single day. Pleasure comes for me by feeding my soul most of all. In giving to my inner self and inner child all of the joy and love and in keeping my spirit light. Grief no longer weighs me down as it used to and to be honest even on the grey days the present seems rosy.