Patience, kindness and joy : a blog update

At times I really struggle with impatience and its twin quality perfectionism, seeking perfection when really life has inherent flaws and confusions wrapped up within the living of it means that kindness to myself can go out the window and an excessive focus on meeting others demands or needs has warped me. In addition, I am more likely to be tough on myself when things do not run smoothly, than on others but sometimes the ability to let go of a focus on outcomes while reminding myself to place the emphasis instead on progress, wisdom, acceptance and empathy means I can ‘loosen’ in places and situations in which I became bound up with an excessive focus on the ends rather than the means when those means caused me pain.

My recent 10 week stay in hospital saw me having to fully surrender : surrender to the drugs they insisted I take, to the sessions of electro convulsive therapy that were court ordered, and to the will of the psychiatrists in whom I have never had much faith, but somehow I survived 6 rounds of ECT and made so much good progress (I was unable to walk, stand and even eat without convulsing for about the first two weeks of my hospital stay that saw me admitted to Intensive Care around the 24th of March for about four days) that they decided to stop at the ECT after 6 instead of 9 sessions.

I went into a very dark place while in the intensive care unit. I cannot fully explain to you what happened over that period as I was in a kind of inner Underworld. Prior to being admitted to hospital via the emergency department on Tuesday the 7th of March I had to face I had indeed allowed myself to be scammed out of all of my savings by ‘Scott’ over a 5 year period. Friends came to my aid and helped me through the pain and self hatred that accompanied this realisation. At the time of having to finally admit it all I could do was blame and castigate myself for my ‘stupidity’, until it was made clear to me by those who love me that I was not alone in being hoodwinked and that instead of being down on myself I should find a way to show compassion to the vulnerable overly empathic side of myself that had made me a target while learning healthier means of protection. There were, in fact, many warning signs, but at every turn he was able to twist my thinking to such a degree that I continued to trust him, while denying my intuition.

I have forgiven myself now, for being huamn. I made a serious mistake trusting ‘Scott’ and have learned a lot from the experience. I was able to see that sometimes, due to my past emotional neglect, I do not always know what is best for me, since it seemed to me both the ECT and kindness shown to me by the nurses and several doctors all came out of compassion and caused a significant improvement of my thinking and mood. I had dropped my weight to only 43 kilos in early March and over the next 10 weeks with a combination of good diet, natural supplements like thiamine, magnesiusm, phosphate and potassium, as well as the drugs Citalopram and Olanzapine I have been able to bring my weight up to 56 kilograms. The gain in weight has come with a renewed appetite for the goodness and kindness in life.

I was finally released from ward 12B, a new psychiatric facility in the hospital, last Friday and it was a big emotional wrench as while there I made some very special friends. But what I learned from allowing myself to feel the pain of that change back to independence is that at times I have to push myself and champion myself, especially where I feel most vulnerable, I know now that it is only by being a loving parent to myself that I can feel stable, supported inwardly and happy. I wake with enthusiasm for life most days and there has been a lot to do with both the house and garden coming home and I have managed that. I am also managing to feed myself healthy food and get into bed when I am tired, making time to listen to my body and also time to nurture my soul, through attending AA meetings and reading inspirational ‘recovery’ focused literature. All in all I feel I am doing well. I met with my clinical case manager last week and this week a person from the Step Up Step Down program will be visiting me to help me to strengthen my ties to the community via support they offer with connections and hopefully programs of study. I really would love to get a qualification of some kind that would enable me to use all I have been through with my own mental health challenges to help others.

Today I have been busy in the garden and I visited the nursery. I bought home some lovely pansies, and primulas, a succulent and camellia as well as a beautiful glazed pot. I made a vegetable soup for lunch. And I danced around earlier too. In my heart I feel joy these days (even more with the kindness I show to myself) and how wonderful that feels after the hell I found myself in due to being scammed. Life looks bright as I finally feel that the ability to be happy and experience both contentment and joy rises in exact proportion to the self respect and self acceptance with which I navigate my life.

To close out this update post the following readings from my AA daily reflections reader seem apt.

I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again.

To be honest about them allows me to accept them – and myself – and those with

whom I had the differences: from there recovery is just a short distance ahead.

True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery,

the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer.