I faced my fear : update 10th February

I experienced so much fear when my denture broke yesterday I felt it was the end This is the way my death anxiety goes but I made myself take action and front up I booked a dental appointment and they checked everything out and said my gums are in excellent health and I do not have any decay at all. I also booked a Doctor’s appointment which is one of my hugest fears and I asked a friend to come for support All through the session I told him of my anxiety and a lot of my trauma and loss flooded out in lots of tears.. I was almost emptied out after the appointment. I left with a request for blood work and also a mammogram test which is something I have been putting off. Sadly I am down to 42 kilos and I think he was very concerned as he asked a lot of questions about my therapy. He also told me to eat as many meals as I like as the way my anxiety is I am burning through the food I do manage to eat rather quickly.. Seeing him has made me realise that lately the critic has not been allowing me to eat as much as I need to either, sadly I get attacks after eating especially if I eat at home.

I came home after my friend took me out to lunch and the place felt so heavy and dark when I came into it I had the sense that inside I have been holding onto so much and have always had so much fear of my feelings flooding out and as my therapist says I fear I will not be ‘held’. My friend seems to be concerned that I am crying all of the time but lately as my heart opens I just feel no ability to stop the flow. Yes, I do long to be happy and I also long for a change of scene it must be over 8 years since I spent a night away from home. But it was reassuring to be told by her that if I cried during the appointment it would be okay and it was. The doctor was nothing if not soft and kind. But when he asked me what support I have that opened the floodgates. It is something I am going to look into more over the next few weeks, I had the thought maybe I could employ someone to help out a little bit and it may add something brighter to their day or give them a sense of purpose. Then by fate this afternoon a Red Cross door knocker with a campaign to help over 60s living at home alone to engage in life and connect came by and she gave me a phone number to call.

Breaking down with my friend, breaking down with my lovely cleaner it’s all new for me, maybe my trust in being ‘held’ is growing but I am fading away a lot lately, my body just feels like air.. And I also had the realisation while talking so much through with Jane that fear and feelings go together for so much of us in the culture and as well that so often we do not know how to cope when someone is grieving or confused or sad. That said the sadness is not the end, it may actually be a reminder to us of how important joy is and a sense of connection and happiness we shared with those we loved. Our hearts can ache in grief for what we lost but we can also remember to be grateful we had the gifts that we did from a relationship with someone or something now leaving or left our lives, while also remembering its only the end of a phase, an ending that is also a new beginning. We can learn to keep opening our hearts to our emotions allowing them to flow and not be dammed up or made into a story, and in the face of all of this feeling we can try our level best both to fully accept and not to judge the experience.

It also came up with the doctor how often the inner critic shuts me down. He vetoes so many things in my life.. Lately I have to keep remembering to kick that critic to the curb and that the anxiety flooding me when I wake up is actually not about anything real in the now and may actually melt away if I take the steps to get fully present and grounded. Getting into the Now, that seems my most important concern at the moment. Nurturing the good, the positive, the life and love giving and affirming, so important. Not allowing myself to slip back into fear based thinking. Stopping the running movies focusing attention backwards or forwards instead of in the present moment.