Some thoughts on judgement and mercy

So often we can judge others, we look at their behavior and make assumptions, and we so often do not have all of the facts. We are not party to the inner workings of their mind, we do not often have real insight into their past experiences, the ones that may have shaped them and we do not always see the ways in which others may actually try or even struggle, assuming the have it easier perhaps in some way, especially if some of our tendency to judge comes out of past wounds. Also, I do believe that most of us operate from a self centered perspective, maybe some of us more than others. We only see how the actions or behaviors in general relate to us or even may affect others, not the causative underlying factors that contributed. Which is to say we are never party to the entire unadulturated, underlying truth.

I recalled while writing this post that judgements we make of others also affect our body, it was a post of mine I reblogged a month or so back, if I recall correctly, one that spoke of how when we judge then we also stir up far more in the way of negative feelings, and when we judge ourselves or others, there is a kind of restriction that happens, a kind of closing off, which may deny the spiritual complexity, perhaps this is why in AA, as we recover we are encouraged to keep an open mind, not to wall off and close down, contract and become rigid. Those who adopt rigid defenses may actually have more pain than others and they may also tend to break rather than flow around or bend in the circumstances. Perhaps this active state of resistance is what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body.

In judgement our mind narrows, there is not much allowing or opening going on and little in the way of mercy which may soften the sharp or pointy edges of how and what we feel. Mercy is described as a soft rain that falls by Shakespeare, that is its not strained, taught, stretched tight, judgement may therefore even have a very strong effect upon our breathing leading to contraction and more anxiety which happens when we tend to constrict or fight against the full flow of feelings. Containing feelings and impulses may be different to judging them or reacting out of them.

I watched some videos on anxiety by an anxiety recovery coach last week in which he spoke of he process of both opening up and letting go inspired by the writing of David Dawkins on the subject. He explained how such opening into and letting go prevents anxiety taking hold. Letting go does not necessarily mean getting rid of either, it may mean a state more of letting be, of knowing what we cannot control and may only end up hurting ourselves and others out of it if we try to control.

As a child if we felt powerless (and this mostly seems to ring true for many adult children of addiction, neglect or trauma) we may struggle harder to control what we cannot and also form the feeling that if we are not perfect or ‘good enough’ we can never be loved and so we try extra hard to be better and often not in realistic ways at all but more coming out of imported judgements we experienced or lacks of support. If we cannot be supported possibly we can try to support to win love but not in a balanced way.

Lately the fear of feelings such as grief is becoming more apparent to me. I have a post on it to share coming out of reading a novel on a couple who struggle in the aftemath of the loss of their daughter, the husband fears his own feelings and so cannot meet his wife in hers, after he leaves she feels responsible for having ‘pushed him away’ but only later does he admit his own part. I also just read another passage in another novel on grief which spoke of a young couple being avoided by friends after losing a child due to the fact this confronted others with the diffcult subject of death. We do need to be supported in grief but its not something that ever seemed to be a part of our society coming out of so much trauma. I have a friend who underwent a very difficult relationship with her mother due to the fact her mother’s family lost a son out of war. The grief remained silent but acted out by the mother who herself was left unprotected and sexually abused. The hidden feelings carried as anxiety got passed down to the children (my friend) due to the fact that children often end up containing the subconscious of a parent or parents.. Forgiveness came for my friend into her own difficult relationship with her Mum only after she could own her own feelings while understanding the wounding in her own mother.. This takes both maturity and our own insight. It also requires a knowing of the buried family history that tends to just keep repeating if it keeps being judged and misunderstood in the subsequent years and subsequent effects. Only mercy will show us the truth of emotional wounds carried in families, a knowing that ultimately no hurt was ever consciously intended, but was only being unconsciously passed down and replayed seeking some kind of insight and awareness of its tangled roots.