Intense fear and vulnerability

Today has been both scary and tough I could not get up and then I fell back into a deep sleep until 10 am, it was once again like something was stuck inside of me and I could not get it out or move. In retrospect I wonder if Mars now slowly moving forward is stirring up deep imprints of nearly dying, of being in the car cut to ribbons, unable to breathe with a paramedic behind me trying to put a mask over me when my lung was already punctured and filling up with fluid. I notice Saturdays are tough as its the day it happened even years ago and I watched a very interesting Turkish movie about a group of friends who have an accident and it shows the scene of impact with them flying though space and shrapnel all around them. I did not know when I started to watch the movie Doom of Love it would have this accident as a part of it and there are other themes that resonated about a young woman struggling to find her true self outside of a restrictive family.

It is hard to say all of this still has so much power over me, but it does. The fear has been intense with me for a lot of my life, I believe and as positive as I try to be imprints do not leave me and it is hard to know when something like that movie will trigger me.

I took myself out to lunch but when it came half of it was inedible and full of fat, I had to leave more than half of it on my plate and wasting food like that troubles me I do not know why cafes these days have to serve such massive portions. I struggle with my digestion at the best of times.. I am sure no one much wants to hear about all of this but I needed to just write a bit tonight to ground myself. A had bad attacks after eating and was just sitting there hoping it was not to obvious I was finding it hard to breathe.. Things were even worse when I got home and only settled down about an hour ago.

A lot of sadness is emerging over how much I lost my way even in the last 12 years, absence of therapy as a holding space does leave me feeling somewhat groundless, while knowing its to my inner authentic self I really do need to turn. The past five years of getting caught up in ‘Scott’s’ agenda has done a lot of damage. I kept helping him even when it got far too much for me because he kept pleading and promising things would work out and that is still going on but I am so tired of sourcing outside of myself while at times hungering for meaningful connections which do come more these days.

I hope this is just a case of Mars showing me a lot and also having Venus transiting over my Saturn in Aquarius. I hope it will pass as today I looked at how much weight I have lost and considering the intensity of recent spins I have been feeling very fearful. I do not put alot of trust in doctors but lately I am feeling perhaps I really should have a check up. The intense heat here is also not helping.. it makes me fearful for our planet.