Struggle

I dont even like to write that word, which implies some kind of resistance but for a few days now I have been battling so deeply a dark despair. The constant sense of meaninglessness and difficulty with eating is so hard.. My therapist has chosen this most difficult period of all for me to go on a 3 week break and even then I can castigate myself for needing her at all. At the moment I am on hold with the mental health crisis support because the tears flooding out of me feel overwhelming and I have once again been hearing voices telling me to kill myself but its taking ages for them to answer apparently due to a high demand at present. So its not only me feeling dark at this time.

What is triggering it all I am not sure but it is my older sister’s birthday today and she died in 2014 after a life of a lot of abandonment and trauma and it is that sense of deep abandonment on a soul level rather than an actual fact that seems to just be with me so constantly most of the time and has seemed to replay over and over like an ancestral curse with each of the 5 breakups I went through the anniversary of 2 which are close today

At the moment I am seeing so much of where my PTSD and emotional neglect trauma took me in the darkest form. Into a place by myself for years and years and some of the deepest dark ones all alone by the sea with no mental health support at all, due to feeling the cost or fear of asking for it may actually make things worse, first of all that I would not be understood, second I may be judged and third a degree of actual distance and dissociation from my own pain as well. I could have got help also back in 2012 when a friend recommended I do a residential stint and told me I was only living half a life.. At the time it felt like an attack but looking back I see it would indeed have been better to get that support. But see this is also where my depression takes me, back into a past where I am focused and as the lifeline counsellor told me a short while ago (they finally took the call while I was tying this) beating myself up about the past will actually achieve nothing at all. Despite grieving the lost years since I aborted life in the UK in late 2001 I am also recognizing I really do not know how to move forward. How to make a change. How to more fully enter the world and, at times, I fear doing so. But all I know is this, that I must make the choice to live and become a part of life somehow as lately spending all of my time alone with no outer focus really is making me feel like I am half dead.

On as astrological note, Mars is now in its final 10 days of retrograde so seeing the dark side around Pluto and carried ancestral trauma is important not only is it squaring my natal Pluto in the first opposite Chiron in the 7th, it is also conjunct Pluto and Venus in the sky at present although Venus will me moving forward in to Aquarius in a few days.. If people feel a bit pulled into the Underworld at present I am sure there must be a reason why.

I have cried and cried this afternoon. I have felt squeezed and pummeled about by my inner critic telling me I would be better off dead. I have been feeling like a huge wave has been bowling me over and will not let me stand.. As soon as I eat I get an attack, I had mini seizures when my cousin’s son turned up to walk Jasper today and I am sadly missing the support of my therapist.. This is just an honesty post.. An I am struggling post. Its all I have today. I am sorry.