Awakening from the dream, personal up date 15th November 2022

The planet Neptune has a dream like energy, it rules over longings and the deep soul, it imbues the lives of those touched by its energy with a desire for peace, for transcendence, for higher consciousness, but it can also lead us into delusions due to an emotional blindness born of our past traumas, situations in which no one was fully present for our Sun and so we had to seek to become mirrors in some way for others, at least this is what I am discovering as the current position of Mars at 23 Gemini backtracks to more closely form its second square aspect to the planet Neptune currently place in its home sign of Pisces.

I am drawing a lot close to my sister during this time which is interesting to me as Gemini has to do with siblings and communication and we are communicating a lot about so many things lately, most especially our collective family emotional past (Neptune and Chiron involved here.) My sister’s Sun and Venus in Pisces cojoin my Chiron in Pisces which is in my 7th house of relationship. Chiron is where our wound lies, but also our healing since the injury the centaur Chiron sustained was the instrument of his healing.. The poison that went into Chiron’s system came from the arrow of Hercules (Mars) and it was this that made him a healer. My sister’s Mars in Sagittarius exactly squares my Chiron in Pisces and sits at the exact same degree as my father’s did. The degrees of 4 Pisces rule my mother, my sister and I in important energies which exactly square my father’s Mars in the fire sign of Sagittarius.

Dad wounded me a lot by refusing to see the depths of things in me.. I see it now as a kind of blindness.. I feel the times he told Mum she was not hurt when she was, the times he refused to stop the car to go to the toilet, the times he overwhelmed me with the tickling, but I also feel the love and deep longing I had for him too. Today I also was also reflecting deeply upon how hard my Mum fought as a neglected child to be seen, to be effective in the world.. Mum had Mars in Pisces and that wound of hers is one I carried.. Her favorite song was My Way by Frank Sinatra and at times i must confess I have loathed this song but also I find so much resonate truth it and have an admiration too for my Mum, she had the strength to defy her mother and get a career, she managed to secure the top designers for her new clothing shop which she opened up in our home town in the 70s and she and my sister went on to be leaders in fashion, bringing many great designers to our small town.. But on the emotional side my mother was never actually nurtured, supported or ‘held’ and so, as a esult, me and my sister and my sister who died also struggled with this issue of emotional ‘holding’, tending to over run physical boundaries and being very out of touch emotionally while being deep feeling and all having issues with emotional regulation which, in my case led to both accidents and addictions.

Neptune Mars also relates to compassion, it is my experience that the more we can feel the real wound and poison of the anger that went into our system over hurtful things, the more we can in time fall into the depths of the helplessness which will inform us of what was most important to our soul. I wept a short while in the bath today while watching the beautiful cloudy patterns made by my bath salts on the surface of the water which filled my soul with both awe and wonder.. When we take a moment to stop even in the midst of this deep feeling and emergence work, the light of deep soul healing feelings flood through and waht as so hurtful softens and deepens.

I noticed today checking current planetary alignments that the trio of Sun Mercury and Venus are now all currently in a qunicunx aspect to Mars in Gemini at 23 and a trine to Neptune in Pisces at 22 degrees. The later speaks to me of the deeper connection forming between the soul of me and my living sister after her many many years of psychiatric struggle. We also both connected with my brother over the weekend and I found I was feeling such a deeper outpouring of compassion for him lately (Neptune) He tends to over work and is still struggling with prostate cancer.. We have all been impacted by Mum’s neglect in different ways.. This is why lately it is super important for me to stay close, especially as her anniversary approachs in a month’s time.

Today I talked to Mum and felt her spirit as an energy of love close by. I told her how much I love her.. Things she did hurt me so much at times, I fell out of her mind and she pushed me away after Dad died, but I also pushed myself away at times from her since I was often not attuned to emotionally and sometimes even shamed.. I do not hold it against her any more, I try my best to remember the moments of love as I develop a deepening appreciation with all she and I struggled with a deeper insight into and appreciation for the dual legacy she bequeathed to me (Gemini = duality and polarity) that of fighting and working hard, too too hard at times as well as a dogged atttiude of self sufficiency. To contrast with this there lived in us both the deeper emotional side, my Mum was a triple Scorpio. Mars and Pluto both rule Scorpio. She often hid behind pride as well as deeper feelings of emotional insecurity she so often found it difficult to own but she was a fighter and she never abandonded us girls even if at times she did fail to show up in the ways we so deeply needed from a loving mother.