I am not coping well

I cannot lie and say I am doing well at present.. I am finding it really hard to sit with what I am feeling.. I have been having huge and wounded reactions to things lately and even acting out a lot of frustration on my dog which just then induces me into a shame spiral.

I made some good progress with boundary setting over past weeks but I am feeling extra needy and often very alone lately.. I am honestly questioning and beating myself up often over bad decisions made since Mum died.. I feel life is just a huge mess at the moment and I am honestly angry at my adult self from my inner child and I think she has just reason to be angry because I often abandon what I know to be healthy and do the wrong thing and then get angry at the self sabotage.

I cannot deny my blog has hardly any popularity either and that likes have fallen since I got embroiled in more blurry boundary issues around others with wounds that mirror my own.. I honestly question at times if I am truly growing at all. That said I did have a break from therapy this week and am wondering if I was angry at my therapist, she seemed not to believe I was capable of setting the last boundary I did with Scott and I noticed I got an angry reaction over that in the early hours of Wednesday after our Monday session last week. For fucks sake she is my therapist, if she cannot hold a positive thought for me it angers me.. But see even writing this now I think what a fucking loser you are Deborah for fucks sake grow up! You arent a baby, your therapist does not have all the answers and often neither do you, humans all are fallible and life is, sadly, so often just messy.. no easy way around it.

Late last night I took a look at the forecast for this Solar Eclipse in two days time.. I noticed that it comes with the Sun and Moon both at 2 -3 degrees of Scorpio and that Venus will (atyplically) be at the same degree. This trio of Sun Moon and Venus will be squaring my natal Mars Saturn Moon in Aquarius at 1, 3 and 6 degrees. Frustration and thwarted will/anger/rage/power and powerlessness issues have been huge lately. Acting out of that anger has sadly been happening upon my little dog which fills me later with remorse and shame. It’s just yelling and pulling on his lead, bur it hurts to see the confusion snd sadness in his face im a shit dog Mum right now.

I was enlightened to hear that this eclipse demands of us we see with clarity where we are not ‘nice’ and may have a smelly shadow. I certainly have that.. I do not think I ever HAVE FULLY OWNED MY TRUE POWER IN MY LIFE, I can blame others and get filled with resentment and then I paint myself as a victim when I was once one but never learned to self protect or self advocate in healthy ways so I put down my first hunch then gaslight myself in all kinds of ways that mirror what was happening not only to me but to my mother at the hands of my father growing up..

As kids we just absorb things that happen energetically. We absorb those emotions that were flying around with no outlet and get meshed to the patterns of interaction not only between Mum and Dad but with siblings and parents and us. At that young age, we lack the ability to question these behaviors that we absorb. Lately it feels that just so much pain I witnessed that had no outlet as well as so much carried or cellularly stored multi-generational angst trauma vibe that it is totally eruptive and deeply inaccessible to conscious thought is coming up. This dovetails with the strong Pluto/Scorpio/Mars dual rulership theme that dominates this eclipse of Tuesday that occurs at the same time as Mars placed in the Mercury ruled sign of Gemini is stationing to turn retrograde for the next two months. Mars is not in aspect to the Sun yet but will be in an inconjunct when the Sun moves forward in Scorpio..

Fury, angst and inner assertiveness issues building is part of Mars stationing retrograde as self assertion themes (and alternatively failure to self assert leading to passive aggressive issues) can come to a bitter head for those of us with these kind of Mars Saturn and Mars Pluto type issues already. So be ready for a lot of insight or reactions though that will occur to build over the entire 2 months and then coming out of it for yet more time.

On this note if you have things coming to a head for you and would like to share about it or get some astrological insight please make a comment and share your birth details with me so we can track it in the comments below.. The info I would need if you have it is date time and place of birth if you do know and if you do not know the time we can still do a solar chart. I would like to do more study on this and have done pain readings in the past for those who felt them to be of benefit.. At this stage I am more interested in the research aspect of it all.

I am chilling down from yesterday’s emotional combust with poor dear Jasper and am trying to make it up to him. I hate making my dog suffer and feel ashamed but I need to be transparent here.. its frustration at my will not making things I wanted to happen happen due to my own blind spots or vulnerabilities and there is no easy way through this without finding the capacity to be totally honest so I can heal and grow through the awareness. I am so so far from healed or perfect that is for sure. I had suicidal feelings again this week and that is tough, the head pressure was intense but I managed to get my car to a 8.30 am service on Wednesday and that was huge for me.. there were so many years that due to my head trauma the earliest booking for a car service I could manage was 10.30 am, the fear of dying or being obliterated if i make one wrong move or decision still plagues me and is so related to feeling so out of control as a young one.