Holding close to my soul ; inner reflections 14th October 2022

I’m beginning to realise who I am inside has so much depth and value, as I am increasingly seeing with blinding clarity how I turned away from, devalued and negated my true and sensitive self due to never being mirrored, having my needs, wishes, wants and values taken seriously or respected, but also that part of what it means to be growing as an adult is to learn not only how to do this for myself but to also lies in both seeking relationships with those who do have a capacity to see me clearly and with compassion, as well as learning how to maturely self advocate. In short I am slowly learning I do not need to work doubly hard to be seen and convince others of my value, doing everything to help others and be super compassionate as a defense against knowing how little I was, in fact, supported in this way.. What this makes me question and see also though it that often I attract others with unresolved dependency issues as a mirror since no one has the upper hand and we all have different levels and experiences of emotional intelligence deprivation or wounding.

Too often due to carried shame, insecurity and poor ego boundaries I could neither hold onto myself or fully honor the God given beauty of my soul as well as my real character weaknesses or places I had not yet fully developed a mature adult self and sometimes my inner child just got obliterated by the inner criticism I absorbed and that possibly plagued my Mum and Dad too, both of whom had a lot of emotional neglect and had to strive hard with no loving fathers around since both lost them before the age of 13.. There is a grief over seeing and admitting all of this and I feel honestly that that grief we can experience, if willing to surrender, that is not only ours but carried intergenerational grief (Neptune/Chiron) will not only heal us but also generate wisdom, if we have the courage to face, feel, release, alchemize and work through all of the associated feelings involved to what John Bradshaw calls second order change. And since our inner child is our Divine or Soul child connection to our loving and awesome inner child takes us closer to heaven.

When I draw close to my feelings my pain and my soul to recognize WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME VIA TRAUMA AND NEGLECT, I also lose that sense of being so lost and adrift within, and looking at the larger forces and people that I rose or evolved and emerged out of also tends to give my deep soul journey substance, value depth, clarity and meaning. In this regard I feel so blessed just before i got sober in 1993 to come across the psychological astrology work of people like Liz Greene, Melanie Reinhardt, Jeffrey Wolfe Green and Stephen Forest much of that study put the wider themes and patterns into context on a collective and personal level.

The more I come to see, acknowledge, embrace, love, accept and understand my wounded places and genuine struggles the more I feel complete and also filled with a growing sense of purpose.. Kat my therapist also reminded me yesterday that polar feelings can exist at one time, so I can be bloody angry on one level at stuff done to me as a child or youngster that had a negative impact, while also realizing truly my folks did the best they could as anxious and traumatized little kids too, (especially my Mum emotionally speaking.) Being raised by one emotionally immature parent while having the other parent disengage and not advocate for me literally left me with no legs emotionally speaking (no sea legs as my therapist so often calls them.)

Looking at old photos of my Dad at 21, I see that he was in many ways a vulnerable young man seeking a way forward in a Europe poised on the brink of massive disruption and change. Reading a book on post World War 2 migration from Europe in the year 1947 highlighted for me how much that 1920s generation had to escape and reconstruct out of, and sadly so many of them saw families ripped apart and carried deep inside traumas of parents who suffered in World War 1 and from a longer lineage of struggles to survive rising out of dark dark ages. In this regard I think especially of my ancestor Francis of Tregian who suffered incarceration, exile and punishment for fighting to uphold his Catholic faith in the 1500s. I know I have the fighting spirit and its shown by the strong Saturn influence in my chart around my Moon and maternal multi-generational inheritance.

Lastly I am understanding and seeing too how admirably I struggled on alone especially after losing my Dad at the age of 22 but how little stand point or self foundation I had then bring sent away to Europe carrying all the wounds and trauma and torn apart attachments I did. Seeing my sister collapse into a coma after that haemorrhage in February 1980 after being crushed up and neatly dying myself at 17 only five months before was such an enormous amount to have endured, seeing my Dad die then was completely devastating but I had no place AT ALL to go with the feelings or confusion but to substances and so it was over those three years in Europe I did a lot more damage and suffered two more broken relationships and yet another termination of pregnancy.

Returning to Australia in 1987 Mum had also lost her mother and remarried there was no place for me but my God Parents wanted me and took me in, if only I had stayed with them instead of moving into that toxic group share home of alcoholics but even then a person turned up who wanted me to go and live with he and his father.. I wish I had done so but then he was the one often pressuring me to do Ecstasy… a year coming out of that I crashed and burned after suffering yet another pregnancy that was ectopic and had to be aborted.. I got out of the group house and back to my God parents for a time and then I had a fall into another18 months of addiction hell until I finally met my husband in June 1993 on the day of my great great grandmother’s birthday and finally had enough masculine support to get sober.

With the next 10 years of following sobriety, I had so many pivotal dreams that showed me my soul was in process and as my path goes on I begin to understand deeper and deeper layers to some of these ‘big’ dreams. Today I can say I see a reason for the way my life panned out and no longer blame myself as much while honestly trying the best I can to take responsibility for what I can.. Magical thinking still comes in at times but lately I am even feeling able to see that as it is too.

So, I am also slowly learning to set boundaries over what i give.. Just this morning I had to defend myself against someone I set a boundary with trying to say I get angry too soon and at the wrong time, no mate not if you know my history.. I can fight for myself now and for my soul right to grow knowing I do not have to be perfect to be loved, that who I am is enough. I only know this for sure today.. It is perfectly okay to keep moving forward step by faltering step forward and backwards and even sideways if need be looking deep inside while trusting my soul and dreams along with the healing power of recovery to show me the way.