Living in alignment with myself and practicing pauses

MY PTSD often takes me so into symptoms I am not even breathing consciously, I am noticing lately and also due to my conditioning I try to do too much, I may get an impulse and it may actually be best for me to pause and begin to check in more deeply with my body which seems to know more than my mind alone.. My mind is not much use to me at all when it runs ahead of my body and I am coming to see that a state of anxiety generated by my need to fix or please often overtakes me before I have even realized that I have landed myself in hot water.. That said over thinking responses is not always the best either, it may take me out of my instinctual mode and there may be a time to say yes to something my ego is reacting against due to some wound from the past.. this happened last week when the dealer made me an offer on my old car but since he did it in a pushy manner I resisted the offer, it was 2,000 below what I wanted.. I did stand up for myself but later I realized it was a fair offer due to the damage on the car and I would be grateful for the money, since they take the car and that will be better than trying to sell it in the current condition.

I seem to also expect myself to get everything right when that is just not the human thing at all.. I can forget at times too that others are doing their best and just acting unconsciously, Thomas Moore talks a lot about becoming more savvy as we go through our own particular dark night of the soul which may have to do with maturing experiences that hurt us at times.

We got out for a lovely walk today after a second morning where my symptoms had me almost paralysed again. This happened on Tuesday too, I think it was both a reaction to taking my sister out, knowing it was my brother’s birthday and the fact that my brother in law got in touch which highlighted a lot of our family dysfunction.. I was so pleased to hear from him as it had been a while but as soon as I told my brother I got a negative reaction, sadly they judged him years ago as not good enough for my sister which is snobbish, yes he flaws but he is a kind guy and told me he did not push for more money after they separated since my sister was not well.. Our family is very Jewish around money and those who marry in and then leave don’t get looked on favorably, I have noticed. With the exception of my ex husband who Mum sided with and adored. I actually believe my sister’s suicide attempt in 2013 was all around how unsupportive Mum was to her second son over money that he was a bit slow in paying back. Mum could have afforded to cut him some slack and kept a closer relationship, of course its not up to me to judge but I did see the bad effect it all had on my sister.

I am facing the fact I have to accept how things are and find my way to find joy outside of most of my family which does not bring me much.. I listened to a lovely video update by Anita Moorjani last night where she spoke of how empaths need to be more inward focused and less pulled around by people’s needs, she is a great advocate of energy recharge, making sure that we do things each day which give us energy rather than deplete it. It is good to make a list of these for me its being in nature, time with Jasper , therapy, writing, connecting with good blogger mates and friends and music… I also like to rest when I can and be in the silence and take those vital pauses which are also times of checking in with my self.

I had two tough days this week but all in all I feel and my therapist says I am doing well. I gave the final help to Scott so we will see what happens there, its been 4 years of too much but in the end I had to see it through.. We will see what happens from here on in.. The point is its good to get off self and help when it feels right to do so and wont be too draining, as an empath I am here to be of service but only after I have made sure I am feeling good inside myself and have enough energy available. I am learning to pull back from social media and messaging when its too much and not answer every message immediately.. Its okay for me to take my time and practice those essential checking ins and pauses and to take time too to tune into my inner voice, to sense when I honestly feel I am living in alignment with my true nature.