The wind blows (to breathe inside of all the breathlessness)

The wind blows

There is pressure on my chest

As the sap rises with spring I feel myself crushed again

No one has any living idea of the difficulties I experience

Simply to wake and eat every single day

There is a realm I believe we are plumetted into

With the advent of severe and deep bodily and emotional trauma

Almost like a tear opens up between the worlds

And we become part of another one

So far from human aid

The wind seems to remember this

It sings to me of it

Driving home from some quiet time in the park

Surrounded by scattered bark and leaves of the huge eucalyptusn trees

Tears just begin to fall like an avalanche

My grief is like this lately

I cannot stop it or will it away

And to be honest I only share about it here

To release it

No expectations

No explanations

Underneath all of this crushing pain and force

Like a body memory of the impact

Lives the desire for burgeoning life.

The girl I was at seventeen is still the same

Even if age is now greying my hair or slowing me down

This is a sorrow for time and opportunities lost

But then to keep focused on that means I do not value

The hard and winding road to here

And so I must

I should be proud I managed 28 years or more of unbroken sobriety

That is something many others cannot to

And I also have a soul path

I feel it calling to me every single day lately

I find my place at home in nature

But at times its hard to stop and just sink into that deliciousness

My ancestors fought to hard to survive

And at times that biological imperative

Still drives me and I believe so many others unconsciously

So it it now in Virgo time

I will slow down to the pace of earth

And use my breathlessness as a reminder to breathe

There is nothing quiet so lovely

As spending time just sitting quietly with Jasper

Who always seems to accept my tears

And will draw close to me as humans so often find it impossible to do

For today after the usual post eating breathlessness that inevitably

Follows breakfast

I got myself out if only for a short while to the park

Possibly these feelings of being crushed again in the car

Will pass as I allow myself to experience them

To resist will not help me at this point

As difficult as it can feel at times

I need to find a way to breathe

Inside of all of the breathlessness