I have shared a lot in my blog before about not being seen in my family and the subtle invalidation abuse of emotional neglect. But I am also seeing lately as the Saturn Mercury trine sheds light on it how my own perceptions are so often distorted.. Listening to several talks between author Matt Haig and other writers this issue of how depression can distort our thinking has come up over and over again.. For example when depressed or anxious we may feel we are a burden to others and we may not be able to feel the care of those who can provide it..
I also had an ah ha moment in the middle of the night last night about how my brother avoids things as it occurred to me that both of my parents had Sun Mercury Saturn conjunctions in their chart.. If you do not know this connection of the energies of Self (Sun) and communication/perceptions (Mercury) and Saturn (deprivation/limitation) often shows a limitation around these things, some kind of repression, silencing, and closing downwards or introversion of communications and life force. Now my brother is a brilliant guy, he is a designer and very talented but when it comes to emotions and communications around the high intensity experiences of our family : my older sister’s trauma as well as his other two sister’s struggles with anxiety, self evolution and depression it makes sense to me that he would struggle to relate and so out of fear he has shut me down and judged at times.
Seeing this from a different perspective helps me to have more compassion, it helps me to be more realistic about my wants, longings and expectations around him and I am grateful for my second cousin urging me to be more empathic with him, even if my therapist felt it was ill advised to aplogize for protesting a lot around what is happening with Mum’s estate in the aftermath of her death it still made sense to me to make some kind of softer approach earlier in the week and to start seeing where I need to accept reality and take action to get certain things sorted.
Sadly when we come to feel thwarted as youngsters or misunderstood (especially as sensitives) in a highly extroverted, appearance, expectation based society we can then fall into a position of damaging self judgement. We can turn against the parts of us not understood or accepted by others and we may even experience symptoms as we emerge into adulthood that mark us out as different, inferior or unable to cope when really we are just wired in another direction.
Reading more of what Matt has written about about his own breakdown at 26 in his book Notes on a Nervous Planet as well as certain things he posts on his Instagram feed it is becoming clear to me that Matt was a Highly Sensitive Person too. In one chapter of that book he talks about being taken to a local shopping complex with his girlfriend and feeling so overstimulated and anxious that she got quite terse with Matt during a full on panic attack.. Later on he said he recognized that shopping centres were not peaceful places for him, they made him focus on his feeling not good enough side and in addiction they were overstimulating..Matt now knows these things about himself. That he is a sensitive, creative soul who loves nature and reading and writing, these were things that he grew into an even deeper appreciation of and for as well as became more talented in after his breakdown. Matt has sold millions of books worldwide in thre different genres and his work really touchs people. What an amazing turn around for a man who felt so lost in the world and whose depression told him he would not make it beyond the age of 27.
Matt has this to say also on why running away from ourselves into outer distractions that do not feed our soul or help us to understand ourselves does not work in that book.
I had (this) desperate need for distraction. But it was no good. You develop symptoms more by fighting them than by welcoming them in. Distraction is an attempt to escape that rarely works. You don’t put out the fire by ignoring the fire. You have to acknowledge the fire.. You cannot compulsively swallow or tweet or drink your way out of pain. There comes a point a which you must face it. To face yourself. In a world full of distractions you are left only with one mind.
And it is that mind that is the answer, in the way that we use it to touch base with and connect to our feelings and self nature.. Sometimes we use it to blame ourselves or others but then that blame never really works to heal anything at all. We may spend a lifetime blaming and never get to take one single step or construction action to make a difference, to our own, or another person’s life..
As I look at my latest irritations with my brother now I see so much more.. I see where my own perceptions may have been distorted by frustration or a thwarting of a need it may never have been my brother’s responsibility to fulfill. Until I step up and take the power back over what I do have power over, then nothing changes and I end up drowning in resentment.
This week I took action on the car.. I stopped waiting for my brother, I paid the deposit and approached the accountant who handles Mum’s estate to let them know i had done this and needed it reimbursed at the same time I told them what is happening and when the completion money to pay for the vehicle is needed. I also realised I have to stop giving money away to people in need at least for a little while.. For so long now I have been being put under pressure to help Scott and on some level knowing my family history around money and need this makes sense.. I opened up to my brother about it and he got angry with me and then told me I was being scammed..That was not the truth but it is the truth according to my brother’s perception and makes sense of course.. In the end neither of us has the monopoly on ‘right’ perception, at the same time my brother was trying to protect me in a way I was not yet able to protect myself at a very vulnerable time after my Mother died. He also was not, in AA language willing to keep an open mind (and heart.)
It is getting clearer and clearer to me as my own journey progresses that feelings can masquerade under all kinds of symptoms and how closely allied fear and anxiety are to a manifold of painful or difficult feelings we so often find it difficult or too triggering to face.. I was encouraged that one of Matt’s favourite books is When Things Fall Apart by Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron which is all about facing our inner loneliness and facing the precarious nature of life. Matt is not a Buddhist per se but his take on life is quiet Buddhist..: face your inner self, stop running, get honest, make sense of how your denied life and inner diamond multi faceted Buddha nature may be calling from you from within the very depths of your anxiety and depression symptoms.
Emerging From The Dark Night 