Abundance and need

If we live in a world that is so abundant why is there so much need.. I can see lately where needs get confused with wants and we go overboard and where others make demands. I can also see the depth and breadth of the emotional neglect theme in our modern world. I have been emptied out again after last week when I promised to help someone and had to pay two thirds of my savings.. I am assured I am getting it back but the stress has been unbelievable, its had me at logger heads with my therapist and the daughter of a man I met online who lost her Mum and then had her father put her into boarding school to go overseas on marine contracts and became sick and needs help has been pleading me for money and telling me how lonely she is.. The worst thing is that everyone pulling on me claims the other person is a scammer (even my therapist) and I know it not to be true, or I wanted to help but that then makes me question my reality.. Despite all of this the point is I am only one human person and need to set limits but how when your heart just knows help is needed?.

I am also thinking so strongly of my Dad today, he could not say no when my brother overextended them financially in the early 1980s and that combined with the stress of me nearly dying at 17 and Judy having the aneurysm and landing in a coma for months and later being betrayed and abandoned by her husband and returned to us with a one way ticket and trying to take his life led to his death from cancer two years later at the age of 64.. That is only four years older than I now am and the Libra influence was so strong not only in Dad but in my maternal Great Great Grandfather whose own descendants lost all of their ancestral lands many centuries ago.. (my stellium of personal planets Sun Mercury and Venus with Jupiter and the south node all lie in Aquarius in the Libra ruled 7th house of relationships.. Chiron in Pisces is also there and it was being hit by a square from stationary Mercury in Gemini when I got asked for this help that landed me in such hot water.)

My second cousin only informed me about 2 months ago about the loss of everything on Mum side.. as you know my descendants made a new start in New Zealand in 1874 and then in Victoria and Canberra in the late 1920s. This Saturnian theme makes sense of why working hard and trying to pull ourselves out of destitution is such a big issue, despite all we gained financially all of us siblings and my Mum suffered with lack of self care and boundary over-extension.. My last boyfriend lived in a small cottage full of neglect struggling to make ends meet as a painter when we first met. I did try to help but he was not the kind of person to use me in that way.. But I do think our meeting reflected something as at that time I was living in near total isolation after Jonathan leaving and sustaining the head injury.

Being too kind may be a Libran theme but the wound in Pisces also makes me feel others pain too, knowing what it is to feel abandoned and alone after losses you could not speak of or tell. Now I learn to fill myself up from within but maybe the lesson is coming a bit late to me and I have allowed it to empty me out..

I feel my body breaking down but I press on.. lately I fear that I won’t last much longer if the help does not come back.. and I have to say No to helping from now on. .its all a bit too late really.. but then who knows what the outcome will be?

Jasper and I got out for our walk by 9.10 am and the gardener is here now.. I did not stress about the autumn leaves and have the help with that today.. I want to be fully alive right now, even if I feel exhausted.. I played my music and skipped along the path in lovely sunlight earlier and felt joy and gratitude and love in my heart despite everything.. If I die soon I die healed of any resentment from the past. Later we went to the Wildflower cafe to get my coffee which is probably ruining the few teeth I have left now.. managing breakfast was not easy after sleeping in three 2 hour installments last night..

I keep thinking my magical thinking about the angels is landing me in hot water.. My therapist does not seem to get why I kept helping,, I just sat there not saying much for while closing my eyes in her rooms yesterday.. She just seemed to be puffing up into superiority over me.. We have had this kind of thing happen before when she has been startled by the intensity of some of my outbursts but when I think of what I am carrying for the ancestors and the wounded feminine, it makes more sense to me than her.. I just wanted to leave the rooms yesterday… I know enough to sustain me.. therapy is also exhausting me.. but maybe I am not in my right mind about it..

I will press on.. I will keep my heart open.. I will commit to live. I just don’t care anymore.. With what ever time I have left I just want to be fully alive mistaken choices, wrong turnings and all.