Fragile

I am feeling the roller coaster emotional ride of this lunar eclipse building. The past week has been intense, I can not go into specific details but the issues coming up for me have to do with trust, boundaries, resistance, fear and most certainly the deepest fear of depending upon and fully opening my heart to another human being.

I heard someone describe one of the lead characters in the series Hacks, Ava yesterday as a twisted up pretzel of a human being.. I do not know if any readers have watched it but Ava goes to work as a comedy writer with an old school comedian and often finds herself in crazy situations.. Its obvious her self esteem is not strong and many of her choices are dubious. I often feel like that in my life but today reflecting upon it I realized I am often not that patient at all with my messy self and that I have often abused that part of me.. I find it hard to trust, I am not good with change and chaos or instability and yet I seem to attract it.. I am also noticing a darker tendency within myself to make excuses and draw on my trauma as an excuse why I cannot take responsibility for something and that when filled with fear instead of fronting up to it, I tend to run away. As soon as I get scared I am off and the drawbridge comes up. That said it may be a case of needing boundaries, something I find it difficult to have

It certainly was deeply humbling to face all of this shadow stuff over the past 48 hours.. The full moon will take place in the Pluto ruled sign of Scorpio and it is not in Scorpio yet, but Libra and the Moon squares Pluto in Capricorn a short while before.. bringing up all past relational trauma. Issues around money, my father and men as well as my own atrophied inner masculine and rabidly toxic animus have been in the wings.. I thought I was getting a good handle on the later, but was not prepared for the level of inner wounding to myself that is coming up that I suffered at the hands of my Dad who left me so unprotected, not by intent but my omission. That said perhaps allowing myself to be fragile and vulnerable is a good thing and may lead to gifts.. I certainly hope so.. Facing that much pain and powerlessness is not easy on the old aging body.

Anyway I must get out in nature soon.. There has been so much rain over past days it was a challenge to get out and I have had people drawing upon me for financial help again which has been agonizing.. I opened the door to help someone again and got laid with more that I bargained for.. Its been a super tough lesson and I actually felt myself crying and fragmenting yesterday. That said it IS all a lesson. I stuff up and frequently. Who knows, the outcome of this may be that I get more help, at this point I just do not know.. But whatever happens, I am learning that I just need to face it and keep forgiving myself to move forward. I had one of those super charged cascades of past grief and trauma accompanied by visions of my parents and sister dying last night while listening to this powerful piece from one of my favorite bands Haevn. I was coughing from deep in my lungs when the pain came out. The saxophone solo at the end of this live performance is haunting and gave me goosebumps.