moving through : update 30 April 2022

I slept in four two hour blocks last night, it was quiet strange. At one point I went out and stood in the rain and washed my face with the falling drops, then I had a thought later when I checked the current planetary positions app on my phone that all planets were moving direct only to awaken at 7 and see Pluto had turned retrograde (backward) in that time.. How curious and in an earth sign (Capricorn) on the brink of a new earth moon (Taurus). I will post some links to that as it means we are entering a time when its good to dig inwardly on a psychological level and that we may get a flooding of intense emotions especially as this retrograde happens just before an earth New Moon in Taurus.. Its a time to clear out junk too as Pluto relates to recycling as well and I had been doing a fair bit of that this week, bagging up some old books and clothes for charity.

Today though, after listening to Thich Nhat Hanh’s talk on showing love last night and reaching out to say how we feel, perhaps in need of help in our pain and suffering, this also made me cry in the same way as reading the book about the princess and the fog did in therapy on Thursday, perhaps due to the fact I never found it easy to do that, even though I did seek therapy in time.. Even in AA I was very wary as I found myself crying a lot in meetings and at times finding some of the people a bit split off and harsh.. that was wise, it showed I was trying to follow my intuition. Too often we in recovery have a very harsh time with the inner critic and due to not being cuddled or loved may have learned to turn away not only from others but most especially from the vulnerable inner child and his or her feelings that got to be so shamed for them by parents so disconnected from their own.

One of my AA friends told me recently its hard to trust in anyone as people are only friend with you if they need something.. that made me question a lot and to be honest feel a bit sad but maybe its true, I just do not know, at least before we come to examine the truer and deeper roots of our own emotional neglect or narcissistic injuries.. I think like most things this comment said more about the commenter.. Strangely even though I often call this person he never calls me.

Listening to Being Love calmed me and Jasper last night though.. We managed a really great long walk at about 3.30 pm through lots of autumn color, sadly I cannot share pics here as my plan needs to be upgraded since my media image library is full.. I must get onto that this week.

I also reached out to a friend who tried to help me in 1992 when I was still drinking, at times it was hard to connect to her emotionally but recently she lost both parents so I wanted to see how she was. the minute i replied offering her love I broke down in tears, see the hurt over what she did was deep at one time but it also came out of her not really knowing how to help me but she also DID help me as she herself managed to get therapy and I have seen how it made her turn her self around to love her father despite the fact he had been very harsh with her and her sister, but then he was from Croatia. It was she who led me to my first therapist who supported me when I was in the last very toxic relationship.

Its good to feel and release these tears.. I know they will pass. And when I get that emotional overwhelm feeling now I say some of the things recommended by Mark Wolynn for when the cascade hits. whille putting my hands on my body :

I’ve got you

You aren’t alone

I will hold you while you feel this

I will be with you in this

Also I will not run, or attack or blame anyone or myself.. Taking the softer option may be very hard to do as Thich explains towards the end of that talk.. to say to someone and even ourselves ” I suffer, please help me.” is not easy, it is an admission of vulnerability but then is this not, in the final analysis what is most needed for us to be fully awake and human? As as Thich says its impossible for us to love someone we do not understand and so many relationships in life are fraught with misunderstanding.. What a different world it may be if we could begin to turn this all around to begin to dig deeper (Pluto) to understand both ourselves and others in a far more compassionate, lovingly detached and emotionally supporting way.