Why Was it so hard? Dark of moon time integration?

I had a tough slow start where I was fighting symptoms again today, was it because I had therapy yesterday and had to have it by phone due to the cleaner mucking me around (boundaries again!) and its not as good always when its not face to face..

Although I seem to be getting stronger in some ways that session also bought up a deep hidden sadness, I had borrowed a children’s book from the library for kids with depression by Lloyd Jones called The Princess and the Fog, I was interested to read it and it speaks of a princess who as a child was happy, carefreee and full of life but then became possessed by a dark cloud of fog which meant no one could reach her and she didn’t want to engage in life anymore, just stay all alone in her room crying. Even when a friend persisted and tried to draw the princess out of her fog, it did not help her at all, until the friend finally decides to sit and be with her and encourage her to talk and she feels safe and accepted enough she can do that.

Over time as her confused parents learn how to reach her and she takes risks to engage in joyful energising activities and trust enough to reach out and find that some people do care does she recovers.

For some reason it made me cry and cry and cry reading the story to Kat. It made me think about how a loved ones depression may be for others who do not know how to help and also of how internalized my sisters feelings are. And it’s confusing too, in depression as we have to feel the dark realities we faced, some say we should focus on joy and that is true but often the lack of desire to be alive comes from a lot of past hurt that must be understood, made meaning of, processed, externalized, expressed (versus pushed down) and addressed so that it does not mar our vision and perceptions of self, others and life.

Typing post this in the car near that beautiful park I go to I can feel a soft fresh breeze on my cheek contrasting with some tiredness and weariness I feel today and breeze elevating always reminds me of an angels whisper ‘do not forget to focus on the good’ its something angel intutive Lorna Byrne always says, even as we feel sadness we must not forget the goodness in life that so often gets eclipsed in depression.

I think seeing the photos of our time in Cambridge triggered some pain this week, that said so much was not resolved yet for me. I loved so much about our life there and was so fond of my husband but he could not understand my depression or need for therapy. I often wonder how my life and process would have gone if I’d not broken that initial first serious therapy attempt when my therapist left me alone with no support for a month when I was starting to really hit the feelings of grief and powerlessness hidden under my depression. Abandoning her may have felt safer.. If we had not come back we may still be together, I wouldn’t have had the head injury and those painful wilderness years but I must accept what is, it’s useless and hurtful to me not to and lately I am working to be kinder and more loving to myself and I must not forget all about the ancestral healing that came to light for me at the coast. Even meeting my next partner who was so emotionally cruel was all a lesson.. But I did not need to have him blame and shame me as he did, even his family felt that was unfair.

Anyway things can be better if I dont get wrapped up in past rumination. That said we undergo things and can never erase our memories only decide not to ficus too much on them and yet didn’t every experience teach us something? In that book he mentions sometimes for the princess the sadness and depression comes back, this is true at anniversaries and when things get triggered that deeply marred our soul.. we should never try to erase these as we say in AA but see how lucky we were to survive them and to learn and dive and be real in a society where that is not encouraged and people who carry addiction, or long term emotional neglect as still so very often sidelined, criticized, sent to the wilderness or shame dumped by those who think know better.

As I sat in the car at the park before driving home it also occurred to me that my tiredness also has to do with us being in the dark of the moon time.. its about 40 hours as I write this to a new moon in Taurus which is ruled by Venus and relates to grounding, the feminine, beauty and self value.. These are all issues that will start to loom large as over the next month we hit a powerful eclipse season.. Eclipses often rule shedding and endings and new beginnings but during the full Moon eclipse we may have to face a lot from the past that may be painful that will not happen for about 16 more days I will keep you updated as the next few weeks progress. We always need good rest in dark of moon times, and I was born in dark of Moon myself so I know that dark space well.