Screaming to be free : stream of consciousness

Having legitimate protest derailed and demonized really is problematic.. I see that my sister in law protested Mum’s invasion of her boundaries by cutting her off. Sadly Mum had next to no mothering and so she tried to make sense of what others were dealing with by reading their personal stuff. She did it to me.. I can forgive it more now, knowing how emotionally absent her childhood was.. But Mum to confront us both about terminations was not wise at all and to shame your daughter in law even more cruel. She never forgave you for it even though you told me in later years you felt so desperately remorseful and sorry she could not forgive you and said ‘that woman has nothing I want or need!”

When this went on I was only about 7 but I must have picked up on it. I do remember when young some things, Mum hurting her ankle (Mars in Pisces) four times and Dad denying a couple of times (Mars in fiery Sagittarius squaring hers in fear of being extinguished by water). It was injured but Dad often denied things or would not let us have our limits. Mum lying in bed and I felt a ghost in the hall way… it could have been the built up emotions, after all this what so many of the ghosts that end up haunting us are. Rejected or misunderstood emotions building up like a wave from deep within the subconscious mind. Rattling their chains in our ears, screaming to be known and freed.

I try to face those ghosts now. There was the ghost of a hostile sister in law that haunted our family. This same issue came up for my living sister with her first daughter in law.. I sensed her fearing of losing her son and being too over involved and Amy wanting Sue to back off and then my sister went to my sister in law to see how she could prevent a similar cut off happening and my sister in law telling her that she didn’t want any kind of relationship with Mum. After all she wanted her only daughter kept as far away from my older sister Judy and later me too.. they made sure any loving connection between us was cut as my niece was open with us about her mother’s emotional ghosts and God knows Scorpio’s fear being seen as emotional or ‘weak’.. Thus her comment about how ‘pathetic’ dogs are.. Show me someone who hates an animal and I will show you a narcissist (much as I hate that someone on the high end of that spectrum : low empathy and tolerance for compassion.)

My head and teeth are zinging reading this. It makes me want to scream. Was it so hard to be close due to all of those demons?. What happened to the love, what about the millions of tears Mum and I cried over it all and what about the lack of tears possible for two drug addled sister’ shut down by an emotionally illiterate psychiatric community?.. What a shit load to weep for and scream about..

Oh and when Judy wanted to scream out in the yard at Mugga Way when Ron sent her home to us with a one way ticket lying to her four sons saying she had left them you told her it would embarrass you for the neighbors to know.. but you needed to scream Judy, am I screaming you scream Judy, am I screaming my sister’s scream or is this zinging in my head just the scream I am feeling today for all you had to shut down and all that you lived through

OH hell I JUST REALIZED TODAY IS YOUR 8TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF DYING. NO WONDER ALL OF THESE GHOSTS ARE CLOSE. it all makes absolute sense..