Losing the fight : today’s reflections.

Apologies for any typos in this but I need to get it out

I’m not coping today I am all over the place in my emotions, sadness, frustration over the past things I cannot change, grief, deeply burning in my body, attacks of despair, fury and rage, kicking the cupboard its a wild sea and I am not managing it (or maybe I am and its okay to be externalizing after all I didn’t damage anything, hurt myself or Jasper, I cuddle him all the time and tell him he is a good dog!)

The big trigger was these bloody ashes of Mum, she isn’t in the fucking ashes, they are just the carbon that remains, her spirit is far away and God knows if she is looking down on me and Sue birth struggling and regretting her mothering, zilch communication between us and then her best friend trying to support a daughter who feels like she is slowly drowning in all of this mixed up emotion. I honestly do not think I have long left. It’s too hard negotiating each day, trying to walk,eat, manage the house, and then getting pulled back into the not good enough bs. I then I can’t even be a present available mother to my dog who just looks on perplexed then scatters and runs when I have a storm.

I always managed to pretend and hide that’s the truth, to give the appearance of coping, just like my Mum. At the end of her life her body was ruined, all twisted around, that bloody final knee replacement was the end of her then she had to cope with another daughter’s suicide attempt and in the end she was on constant pain relief, (not drugs which she abhored like me) but pain patches.. . She never got any counselling, after that or losing Dad and then her own Mum in 1987 she told me she didn’t need anyone advising her on her life. I tried to tell her it’s not about that, it’s about giving a space to the feelings, that said we can keep talking over feelings and then do a million things to avoid them. Mum did come to see Anna Karameul with me one time but it was me who ended up sharing all of the tears as she spoke about her cold lonely empty alone childhood. Taking a warm stone to bed at night when Nana was gone cleaning offices and she and no father.

I was so happy yesterday after a terrible day on Monday, talking to Kat helped and David my gardener came too and I was so proud of managing both things. I expressed so much and felt so much. I even got out at 3.30 to do groceries and slept til 1.40 but I woke up so empty in the pit if my stomach as I had promised to call Betty about the ashes and I had too much on, plus I spoke to my brother about it telling him it had overwhelmed me. I had noticed at 10.30 Bet had tried to call me but I was in the middle of an attack.. I hate not honoring what I committed to do but it felt overwhelming to me.

I got up then and ate 2 crumpets and put on extra clothes as it’s getting so cold managed to get back to sleep breathing deeply but was awake at 5 wondering why I put my body through that (having to eat and digest food at that hour) then struggling more only to fall asleep til 8 am. Mote struggle, breathing, twisting, swallowing tissue salts. I did managed to call Betty but she bloody well triggered me again talking down at me telling me to calm down with that superior shame sneer. I bloody well called her out in it. But after we got off the phone, the rage oh my God.

On that Sydney trip the 3 of them (mother, sister, Betty) sat quaffing bloody champagne in the bar while I cried my eyes out and they looked on with contempt. My sister told me if I didn’t pull myself together it was better if I didn’t come to dinner that night so they left me alone in the room. At one point I ran to the functions room in the hotel and hid behind furniture crying the pain was intense. No one saw. It all took place in Sydney the place of my deepest hell and addiction. Why the fuck didn’t I get on the bus that night and get home to Canberra? Instead the next day they fucking frozen me out, walking 5 paces ahead and then I had to bear an excruciating train trip for 4 hours home with the silent treatment. At that point I had NO THERAPIST it was only one of my highly sensitive friends from the dog park that tried to make me see the way they treated me being so overwhelmed emotionally was all about THEIR FEARS AND SHAME. I was screaming at Betty after the phone call, grasping my fists and punching out in rage.. it is so confusing she tries to be there for me now, but if I’m brutally honest the ashes situation means fuck all if the grief and rage is going to derail me, I am only human, fundamentally limited and flawed and I ALREADY STOOD BY THEM ALL FAR TOO MUCH TO MY OWN DETRIMENT ONLY NOW TO END UP ALONE.

But the truth is lately most of the time lately when I am a good parent to myself and not looking to them I am less alone.. When I reach out to those who get it I am less alone.. the truth is I AM MORE ALONE WHEN I ABANDON MYSELF, WITH MY INNER SELF TALK, WHEN I allow the toxic inner critic to shred me. When I don’t stand up for me.

I feel a bit calmer after writing this but still phlegmatic, I get a surge of having an appetite and hunger for life and food then only to experience the fucking clench of that straight jacket and deeply ancestral trauma sucking me back.. It like the ghost of my Mum and her family’s traumatic past is sucking me back. The attacks at the time of my birth 7.10 pm are extreme and,I get flooded by my great great grandfathers abandonment stuff from 5 pm anticipating his coming home that led to abuse and rages where all the kids scattered in fear.

Writing this then spirit reminds me that Mars (ruling males and assertion) is now very close by transit to my natal Chiron in Pisces in the 7th house of relationships and soon to oppose Pluto in Virgo in the first house that aspects my Moon (related to nurture, mothering legacy and food.) No wonder my emotions are so intense and being projected onto a Sun sign Scorpio. When I ran into my grand nieces on Monday at the place Mum used to play hooky as a young kid all alone, the Moon was at about 13 Scorpio in my house of siblings where my Mums Mercury Sun Saturn and living sister’s Saturn in Scorpio fell and I heard the angels telling me to go there on Monday I am sure of it.

I thank God for the astrology, the fury and rage and sense of overwhelm is fading out now. I know Nana carried that, Mum carried that, my sister’s carried that.. My sister who had the aneurysm had it due to overwork, over striving, out of not feeling as worthy and not included in a family business which all relates to that Chiron in Aries wound Mum and Dad had and how that generation had to struggle so hard at such a challenging post first world war and depression time.. And that sister’s Chiron in Libra opposed that and was in the same sign as my GG Grandad’s.

This may all seem like double Dutch to some.. but I do believe I am carrying these feelings for us.. I said as much to Betty today when she asked me where the blood comes from when I bleed. I do not bleed as much as I used to do coming out of the head injury but even that related to Mars being triggered by Chiron in transit. Chiron is the wounded healer.. its where we bleed that we can also grow wisdom, insight, compassion, sensitivity and healing.. We may never fully heal the wounds to self from the collective but understanding the full weight and depth and breadth of the ancestral pain body may just help us to stop lashing out and self destructing or projecting all of that pent up fury onto unwilling and unnecessary targets.