Tenderly

I must treat my own heart tenderly, even when the world doesn’t. Having our deepest pains or ‘pain body’ triggered can very tough, if there’s no loving presence or open field inside of us to contain that pain and to speak the soothing words of love understanding encouragement and support I’m recognizing that’s when I fragment because the hostile inner critic steps in to shame and judge me.

This lack of containment goes way back to my Mum not being contained or mothered so she did not have it to give and then it made emotions a mystery. Dad would just retreat and never stay by me and stand by me to help me when Mum went a little crazy with pent up emotions and anxiety and that is a deep grief for me.. I transfer a lot of these feelings onto my gardener which is something I realized having a Tuesday instead of Monday session by phone today which I managed in tandem with him visiting. In the past when he would come I may break down in tears and he would walk off. That was Dad and it was also part partners. Dad did break down with me when he told me of his cancer diagnosis in late October 1984 so I know the deep emotions and vulnerability his heart hid. My sister who struggles is so much like him and today I did some deep investigation into the astrological tie ups in the first 5 degrees of mutable signs (Virgo, Sagittarius and Pisces.. Mars transiting on top of this today) between him and her and her older son.

Thank God to realize this now.. This difficulty containing may led me to drop or break things or things may flood and leak out of containers. I over flooded the bathroom cabinet bring distracted by my early morning inner trauma storm on Sunday. I tried to not panic.. I calmly set about drying things out and relining the drawers but I saw it was due to there being big underground emotions around at Easter

And then yesterday seeing my nephew’s daughters going to the Uni I wanted to attend in 1980 but could not due to having had the accident in 1979 was so tough.. I missed out on so much. The next year I took myself away but got out of my depth drinking too much and heavily involved with a guy into drugs.. I went home the following year but told Dad nothing and he came down hard.. NO MORE STUDIES.. NO UNI SECRETARIAL COLLEGE.. HE TIED THE STRAPS OF THE STRAIGHT JACKET TIGHTER AND TIGHTER. AND THINGS DEVOLVED FOR THE NEXT 11 YEARS UNTIL I GOT SOBER

Today I must acknowledge I survived that and then when I got sober I completed an aromatherapy diploma at the same time as working a full time job.. I never got to set up a business perhaps due to confidence issues but I was able to help my beloved Godfather when he got ill by giving him massage.. I have not worked since the head injury in 2005, I had to deal with supporting my Mum through an operation gone wrong in 2012 and massive complications until her death in 2017. I supported my sister in the home during that time when could and was back and forward to the psyche unit to visit Sue my other sister for many years. I write my blog and try to support others.

This may sound like a self justification post but its important for me to talk well of myself.. If I do not I undermine myself and that leads me no where healthy.. And her on WordPress I get amazing support from my good friends, Ivor, Cherie and Stella just to name a few.. as well as lovely bloggers such as The Flow Into Words who have supported me for so long..

I recognize I fell again yesterday into a suicidal place where I heard killer voices. I was able to voice those in therapy today.. I am not entirely sure where this voice wanting my child dead comes from but I have a sense it lives in the collective.. today I can hear it but not act on its directives it is just a huge voice of fear really.. Today I will continue to try to choose love, instead of fear, shame or self devaluing.