Crushed inside my karma

The past 36 hours were remorseless.. I think the change too from daylight saving had a huge part to play in this. What is it about humans that we fuck with natural rhythms to the extent it affects our energy bodies so adversely. It is a known medical fact that the rate of heart attacks dropped with the reversion to normal time from daylight savings.. And maybe it does not play as huge a part with those who are not already affected by PTSD I just do not know.

My past trauma makes me disoriented and dissociated to a degree anyway.. I am learning that to survive I had to bury a lot but as I heal things come up, before therapy on Monday it was how when Mum and Dad invested in the new block of land and we left that lovely more grounded connected house where I could at least play with the neighboring kids who were my age, it was so painful for me.. The builder went bust in the midst of starting and so Mum and Dad and I moved into this concrete ice box in the middle of a harsh winter..My second sister, Sue, who was the only one still living at home with me and Mum and Dad at that point (1969) was sent to live with Nana in the cosy house and I slept at the foot of Mum and Dad’s bed on a stretcher bed with no mattress.. Maybe Nana only had one room for Sue, I do not know but I remember how dark and cold it was as we underwent all of the struggle to become more affluent and display a bigger home to the public.. Maybe Dad just found the smaller houses he came from in the Netherlands too confining I do not know.

Later in life Mum admitted to me that that move was hard for her too..No one enjoyed it but this was part of Dad’s upward mobility plan also driven by my older brother.. They went into the building business then. I comforted myself by reading Mary Poppin’s hard cover books from the library.. Mary Poppins could fly, she could come and leave and perform magic. And later in life I studied the life of her creator and author P L Travers and her own mother drowned herself when P L was only young.. I am sure, like me, she had the Sun Moon conjunction. Oh how much I longed to fly away and be with my older sister and far from this dark, lonely, emotionally void place.

Kat validates how lonely it was in that family for me being so very much younger. I was always pleading for a way out or some form of companionship in that house where I was so often left all alone.. A dog did come into my life but in the end she got run over by a car and was ‘given away’ I pray that was not a lie and Sasha was not put down, like Ross’s dog on friends!

Yesterday I found it hard to eat when I finally did I had a spin attack in my chair that was intense.. I managed an early salad lunch and a piece of date and walnut loaf around that trauma time of 5 pm and then collapsed into bed..I was believing I was dying at the time, living alone I wondered who would find me and what about Jasper? At that point I was crying and crying with the depths of aloneness I felt and praying to die.. I then thought “I have to face all of this with no self pity, if I am taken I am taken.” I thought of texting a friend to ask them to take Jasper but must have fallen asleep then as I woke in the dark in all of my clothes feeling so disoriented, then sat on the edge of the bed in a high sea before managing to stand and go to the bathroom disrobe into PJ bottoms swallow some tissue salts and get out heat up some soup which I had with Brussel sprouts and added carrot and low carb bun, then a small omelette.

I sad down then to watch the information program on the inner world of dogs screening on our ABC. It spoke of how their world is mainly auditory and scent related and they see differently. This is why, when we walk our dogs we must not just pull them along on the lead but allow them to sniff and smell as much as they can. I have heard that the best time to walk our furry companions is when they usually would have hunted in the wild, in the morning and early evening.

Sitting there again watching this program I had the coalsecing head spins and struggled to stay up feeling I needed more sleep but then when I did manage to get into bed around 10 pm a big surge happened again.. I did manage to sleep until 4 to be awake with more surges and spins and then fell asleep to wake at about 8 am.

I am finding doing some of the breathing techniques I have learned recently is helping me as well as doing Chi Gong movements of swirling, twisting, swinging, rising and falling. I did a lot of that this morning after cuddling Jasper and then had a bath and managed to eat a bit and get out for a walk with him by 10 am. I made myself leave the dishes and let the ‘mess’ just be ignoring the critic who wont let me out of the place unless every dish is done.. How Important Is It? I asked myself that the dishes be done? Answer : Not At All. No one died or came to grief simply because I left a few dirty dishes lying around the place. The mess got sorted after I got home anyway.

Anyway we met a lovely lady in the park with a huge van who travels the country doing dreadlocks and hair cuts.. Her little furry mate Eric and Jasper ran around the place madly chasing each other then doing lots of kisses as we sat talking, me on the ground, Jennifer on the lower few steps of her van.. It was a lovely chat, a moment of engaged and loving connection, attention and presence and I loved it.. What a gift after experiencing yet again yesterday those moment of crushing suicidal depression yesterday? I told her about my sister and Mum, she told me about her own betrayal abuse..

I have no doubt that at the moment in the dark of these final days of the working out of this latest Mars Saturn conjunction that something strongly karmic on an ancestral and personal level is working its way out.. Today I thought of my Mum crying at the age of about 7 while being forced to stand on a stool and iron sheets “When I grow up, I am never ironing sheets” and yet we always had to.. As our beds had to pass muster only to fail if our hospital tuck edges were not perfect..

What a confining upbringing? no wonder I became an addict!. I just wanted to be alive some how. but coming alive has been, for me, fraught with peril after witnessing my older sister be killed off. Such a creative human being, so crushed and confined at the end of her life? Is that what I want for my life? No, but in order to change it I have to recognise what is happening to me and why I make the choices that I do each and every single day because in the end the only one who can free herself from this crushing inner confinement is myself.