Not my kind : the painful isolation impact of trauma

I hate in some ways to say this, to separate myself out but sometimes I just do not feel at all connected to people or as if we come from the same place. Then I know we all share very similar feelings so this is a huge contradiction that I feel inwardly a big tug of war that goes on with it.. That said I have found via WordPress people of like mind and also in some of the online communities.. But I am also aware of this kind of distancing phenomena of being very related to Aquarius and our ruling planet Uranus, when I feel this sense of disconnection I have a sense too it may go back to the way my Mum felt growing up with no siblings and being on her own most of the time. I think it was such a deeply lonely childhood for her and I have noticed my surviving brothers and sisters have a touch of this set apartness in them as well.

I had a dream that worried me waking and finding it hard to breathe after a night I got whammed with some intense energy just before bedtime, the pressure today has been horrendous too, I have just fought my way out of yet another 2 hour long panic attack. I got mysel out briefly but just came home and cried and cried and cried to the depths of myself with this dark pain that seems to be just so very deep.

Anyway in the dream the next door neighbor’s child Sophie was running from me as she was scared. I was going to go next door to protest about it (this makes no logical sense as if a child avoids you I feel I should respect that) but when I got to the door I saw there was a birthday party going on for her and this just made me feel even more alone, but thinking of the dream today these were feelings Mum told me she carried about seeing the next door neighboring children play.

My question is how do I free myself from this sense of being set apart, how do I stop self justifying it all due to me being ‘highly sensitive’ and why is it such a struggle for me just to accept my aloneness?

My inner guidance just told me as I paused to stop typing this that the alone feelings were so so real and deep for me, most particularly in those years after my father’s death when I returned from overseas and spent those 6 years in Sydney before I met my husband.. Then I really did descend into the darkest place, each weekend involved a drinking binge it then took a day to get over, until in the final years I did not even stop it bleeding through onto other days and affecting my work.

Today my body just hurts.. I had a cup of coffee simply to get out of the house and see another human being, I am on on level ashamed to admit this is the only time of connection I have. Most of my days are focused in inanimate objects like my house, keeping clothing clean and doing gardening or house work. There is my writing but maybe lately the inner critic is even attacking that.

Then I watch Eckhart Tolle videos all about living in the now where he mocks a lot of modern living and striving and that can kill off my desires for things that are worldly, but just because they are worldly does that mean they lack value.. Why is it that he devalues the material. That said he does not devalue nature in which he feels the healing power of presence.

I am also noticing a very powerful tendency in me to get draw into other’s opinions and ideas. I have my own take on things but I try to stay open, but when too open I get too overly influenced by the ideas of others and instead of putting energy and focus onto my own heart and intuitions I loose touch with those.. Lately I am just feeling the need to do more meditation but I would love to be engaged in the world far more than I am if I am honest.

Today has been so hard, I really felt the most remorseless pressure inside of me, last night Satan was back telling me he wanted me killed off and would not stop until he ground me down to abject meaninglessness.. This force appeared first to me in around 2004 when Jonathan left me and I was living in complete isolation at the coast.. I was having a breakdown of sorts but I also had a time of having to start to come to terms not only with my own exceedingly difficult and painful past but the ancestral one as well. I must not devalue this even if deep inside my heart I truly wish it had been so very different.

My guidance also reminded me that Saturdays are usually tough due to my accident.. Those memories live on and today my head is pounding, I had spins for up to 2 hours again today but they also reminded me that with the shift into Aries that is associated to the head and that by association to the gut.. Peter Levine reminds us in his work on trauma that for every one nerve leading from the head to the gut there are 10 leading the other way.. When I eat I may get an attack that lasts up to 2 hours.. I was spared this yesterday morning and we got out early to walk, but I made two calls to people who are not at all emotionally available yesterday and that seemed to trigger me too.

The truth is I cannot seek understanding from most people about what I go through, I faced it alone and I have to continue to face it alone and sadly have people run from me like in the dream because the intensity of what I lived through and the feelings it left me carrying can scare them.

On an interesting associated note today I listened to a book club episode featuring on Radio National about the New Zealand writer, Keri Hulme’s book The Bone People. I will include the link below.. It fascinated me with many of its themes since my descendants lived there and were actually helped by the Maoris with food at a time of much challenge around lack of resources and food. Apparently when my great grandmother visited us she used to do the Maori war dance The Haka, the novel seems to be about a lot of violence as child abuse features prevalently in it and the young white boy washed up from a wrecked ship taken in by the lead male character is the target of abuse.. The story mainly centers around a female character who lives in a tower and is quite isolated.. In the course of the book she gets drawn into relationship but the abuse themes are strong. The white boy washed up on a beach and then abused seems to be a very powerful metaphor of the immigrant experience.. It was mentioned in the podcast how wild and isolated the South Island of New Zealand is. Interestingly with possibly a similar wild coast to Cornwall. What a tough life arriving there with 5 kids and nothing at all to live on much.

https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/the-bookshelf/book-club-nz-fiction-hulme-the-bone-people-&-jones-the-fish/13822560

I know my great grandmother witnessed a lot of abuse. I know she ran from it.. I know my fear and my smash ups come from somewhere.. it was not easy to listen to that program but gosh it resonated especially the part about the archetypal image of the spiral as a metaphor of life processes of change as well as its relation to the DNA double helix which they did not mention. Life seems to move in spirals and I read a powerful book on the Spiral Journey many years ago related strongly to emotional healing work and Jungian psychology. My body has spirals of energy and in Chi Gong you move your limbs in spirals as you seek to both release and harmonize energy.

I am also very very mindful of the slowly approaching Mars Saturn conjunction. That occurs every two years but not always in the sign of Aquarius so close to that stellium and my south node that has to do with past lifetimes and past energy patterns in need of transformation. Today the pressure has been super intense.. But I am still alive I did not detonate or have an aneurysm though by God over the past 20 hours I felt myself very close to the brink of one.