My angry shadow

I am not a nice guy.. It disturbs me a bit when my murderous side comes out.. Often its due to boundary violations and I know that we all have a light and dark side, to actually try to have a dialogue with the dark side and admit to it is not something a lot of people can do, they may feel too ashamed or get all judgy Mc Judgerson around it!

I just got a bit triggered I am glad you had a brilliant childhood, are you fucking trying to rub my face it it, another more hostile part of myself felt. You are so blessed and I am so cursed it that the point? Don’t worry its all in the way we spin it, I may be being extra sensitive today as the hurt i suffered at someone’s hands in the last years of my sobriety came up with a terrible ferocity a few hours ago when I was down on my hands and knees in the backyard sorting leaves from the gravel.. I was shouting at the person inside.

I am glad to admit I have an angry side.. I missed out on a lot and I think things got tougher when my older sister left home when I was only 3.. In the absence of Mum being able to be a nurturing parent I felt loved by my older sister. In later years it turned darker prior to her aneurysm. When she finally moved back to Australia I went often to stay with her in Sydney and she was plying me with alcohol, there was violence brewing in her marriage but knowing now what she was carrying from Mum’s side it makes sense.. What deep dark years those years from 1977 to 1993 were. And the planetary transits make sense of it.

We went for a lovely walk by the lake beach a moment ago, couples and families were everywhere, I was the only human with no other human companion, but I did have Jasper who ended up getting chased by a little girl in a party dress with a big stick. The father had to come running after her, she was determined to catch Jasper who ducks and weaves around kids as he knows they can make sudden and dangerous movements. I sat for a while on the ground and stopped but only for 10 minutes this is all he would allow me. I find it hard to stop I move around all of the time though when we got back to the car I made sure we breathed.. Its hot for Jasper today though as he missed out on his last trim.

Yes, like my Mum, had a painful deeply lonely childhood. Was yours really as golden as you say?..I do not know… I think those who are able to stay close to family are very lucky. I am in the middle of trying to write a very long post on multi-generational disconnection trauma.. I know I kept a huge distance from family after all of that terrible pain went down from 1979 to 1992. Meeting my husband healed this for a time but things broke down after 11 years. I can feel a failure or I can take the evolutionary purpositive view of it all. I had to make the descent that no one will acknowledge in a society that only wanted to label how my sister unravelled due to epigenetic trauma.

At times lately the stress of being alone feels like its leading to bi polar moments.. Scott and I have lasted the distance hopefully he will finally get free in a few months.. but his isolation in Africa so far from home on some level mirrors my own, perhaps why we attracted each other in 2018.

Today in meditation Archangel Michael reminded me of the golden ball of fire he gave to me in a visualization some time towards the end of last year.. I also got the image of a burning sun buried deep inside the ocean earlier, not sure what it meant but he said its to do with the current turmoil on planet earth.. These are times of fight and fire for sure which is why lately I am trying hard to nurture peace but I do have an angry aggressive hateful side over things done to me.. I do not think it’s for no reason I feel as I do. So when you tell me of your happy childhood, lucky you!.. I am trying to have my happy childhood now.. but at times to get to it I have to have and experience at times intense feelings of rage.. Its just part of my journey.