The need to be heard

I was so distressed to hear from my sister unexpectedly on the weekend, excited too as I always am when she shows signs of life and reaching out. I was at the community centre with my cousin and her son and a good friend to watch a performing of the musical Keating, and luckily my sis rang as we were waiting to go in. Later I called her back but the conversation always goes back to the fact she has hardly any clothes, add to this she is very (and understandably) anxious about going back to the aged care place from the psych ward where they were locking her in her room due to Covid fears and then over reacted when she tried to open a window thinking it was to kill herself or jump. (believe me why wouldn’t she want to get some fresh fucking air?).

In the past I’ve tried to help her so many times with this often only to fail due to her particular taste and perfectionism, to be honest, in the past it has nearly driven me and other friends and family members crazy taking some things back and forth to the shops for refunds or exchange that do not fit or meet her exacting taste. That said she has a right to what she likes to wear and after she came good in 2020 she ended up wearing a jumper I got for her and loving it, before she fell again into this multi-generational paralysis morass. Never the less she is trying to express that she needs something, she is trying to get help and A VALID NEED MET but the doctor told her son its her ‘psychosis’ talking which I honestly believe IS NOT TOTALLY TRUE AND A SIGN OF PATHOLOGISING or is it? This is how my own thoughts swing back and forth as last time her son told me she has “more than enough clothes” my sisters reality is not that and I think the minute you are labelled in some way then in some way your rights and needs are not always respected.. Admittedly psychological health is not all about appearance but we also need to feel we can wear what we like, that fits and suits us.

I was crying at the end of the call after just trying to be lovingly present to and with her for over 40 minutes late at night. No solution I tried to offer suited. She Isn’t up to being taken out to shop. – “I have nothing to wear!” she cries which is kinda funny if you are into irony at all.If I could help I would but the last clothes I got remained in the shopping bag I dropped them off in untouched, according to my nephew.

I tried to talk to a friend of hers about this but she is determined to paint my sister as unwell and psychotic. That conversation with her was an interesting one, unpacking it later. She told me how constricted her own mother was emotionally how she ascued appearance telling her daughter – “all you need to look good is a bar of soap.” Wow how different from our upbringing where clothes and a beauty regime was a huge focus of Mum’s life.. As a child I used to be fascinated seeing her coil up her long air and put on lipstick.

She also told that as a young woman struggled with her own alexithymia she did a New Age consciousness raising weekend Workshop called The Forum. Curiously I was asked by an ex boss to do this and it’s shallow psychology really now knowing what I do I am glad I refused and also would not havebeen accepted into the course due to having had PTSD.

Apparently in The Forum they teach you that everyone has a ‘racket’ they adopt – a supposedly false narrative that is used as a justification or excuse for feeling sad or depressed or powerless. While there can be some truth in this it doesn’t really go deep enough considering the core complaint multi generational trauma leaves lodged inside our psyche that needs to be deeply understood according to Mark Wolynn.. That said what I cried most about on Saturday night was that my sister seems so poor in spirit at the moment even though she has the financial means to help herself she cannot seem to even find the energy to get out of bed because “I have nothing to wear!” At this point I do admit to feeling like I wanted to tear my hair out so I just told her I am so sad you are in this state of mind.

Anyway I was so discombobulated after the talk with her ‘friend’ that i had to call crisis support. The counsellor was wonderful I really felt heard by her not dismissed as I was by my sister’s friend.

The truth is I am a bit exhausted to go running around looking for clothes. I will keep an eye out and I love my sister who admits how unwell she feels herself to be, fried and depleted in the brain by years and years of drugs and ECT. How I wish she had walked a different pathway but she hasn’t which I havr to admit just makes me feel so blessed to be honest I did not choose that medication, hospitalisation pathway for myself much as some days I long to be taken care of and not have to push push push forward my life each day. That is called being an adult.

I also picked up Elaine Aron’s book The Undervalued Self again last night and the following excerpt really spoke to me. Its about really hearing another inwardly and validated them.

In a conversation about something deeply painful, attunement remains the key to being helpful. See how it works in the following conversation. Notice that at the start the problem seems to be fairly minor, but in fact Sandra’s friend is in real trouble, which she discovers because she is attuned and responsive.

SANDRA : How’s work?

PAUL : Lately I’ve been thinking about quitting.

SANDRA : That bad!

PAUL : It’s my boss.

SANDRA : Sounds like you’re feeling really beaten down by this guy.

PAUL : Yeah, and the worst part is. I’m stuck. I can’t quit.

SANDRA : You’re feeling trapped? That sounds scary.

PAUL : Yeah, and I sincerely worry that I can’t find another job .

SANDRA : Finding something else seems almost hopeless?

PAUL: My skills are rusty. I’m not going to be a hot item on the job market.

SANDRA : Boy, you really are feeling down on yourself.

PAUL : Yeah, really down.

SANDRA :Depressed too?

PAUL : Depressed? I guess so. Can’t sleep. Can’t eat. On top of that I’m having trouble with Phyllis. I think she’s going to leave me. I just want to give up.

SANDRA : You’re at that giving up point?

PAUL: Yeah. Honestly I don’t want to go on very much – you know – living. I can’t believe I’m saying that. It’s so stupid. Let’s forget it.

SANDRA : You sound ashamed that you’re that down. I guess I can understand that. But anyone would be down with these burdens, wouldn’t they? Honestly, I am glad you’re telling me all of ths . I mean, what would our friendship mean if you couldn’t?

PAUL: I guess I am ashamed. And you’re right; we’ve been through a lot together Its just that I feel so worthless.

SANDRA : Sounds like you’re turning circles in your mind and not finding anything good anywhere.. I’m really, really sorry to hear . That it must be a terribly hard place to be.

PAUL: At least I have you to talk to. Thank you.

SANDRA : “You’re welcome”. doesn’t quite do it. I’m really touched. I’m so glad you’re talking, so glad to listen, and so glad it helps.

PAUL: Its people that matter most, I guess. I should see if someone knows of a job.

SANDRA : Ah a tiny, tiny hope?

PAUL: Yeah, I should try to find something before I quit, start asking around. How are you doing?

SANDRA :Nice of you to ask. But is that to change the subject for my sake?

PAUL: Well, it polite not to monopolise the conversation.

SANDRA : Do you remember last March when I was breaking up with Pat and falling apart? You helped me tremendously then by just listening. So talk all you want. You’e not down that often.

Notice the following about how Sandra helps Paul.

. She does not respond at the outset with something like “Yeah, sometimes I feel like quitting, too.” She listens to find out more.

. Almost everything she says is about a feeling. Although she keenly wants to know and help, she stays away from surface facts (“What did you do to your boss this time?”), advice (“I’d quit if I were you.”) or ideas (“It’s amazing what companies can get away with these days.”) Staying with feelings quickly deepens the conversation, reaching what is happening inside Paul.

. Her listening has bought out this thoughts of sucicide, which should never be ignored, but she does not jump on this She can explore it later and perhaps recommend that he gets some professional help. Sometimes we say we want to die because it is our only way to express our hopelessness and extreme undervaluing of ourselves.

. She reassures him three times that his feelings are okay and she wants to hear about them. Life truly feels hopeless when you feel ashamed, so that it seems that your links with others are falling away too.

. She adds her own feelings occasionally but only so that he knows she is not judging or abandoning him.

. She does not miss his shift to some optimism, but she doesn’t inflate it either.

. She does not let him move the subject away from himself out of shame.