The fear I carried : making sense of all of this oceanic feeling

My fear of being rejected is something that has taken time to become conscious to me.. It has a basis in the past for sure but what I am learning lately is that the ultimate rejection we must fear is self rejection.. In many ways as I look around at current events and even explore the behavior and reactions of friends and followers I see how it can manifest.. and how it can then be projected and also how a distance from, or fear of our own emotions being triggered may lead us to withdraw when it may be positive or instructive to engage instead, but with emotional intelligence.

A while ago when I went into complete isolation after the head injury being hurt by the emotional fear of both family as well as the one I was lodging with at the time and then got involved with a man who brutalized me for feeling due to his own wounds and was doing all of that writing and reading and exploring of psychology and ancestral stuff the following words came to me from my higher self, they were this.

A person cannot reject you, they can only reject within you a part of themselves they have not befriended yet.

One of my earliest posts that I wrote when I first started blogging at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 was on befriending feelings.

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2014/01/04/befriending-feelings/

For me, my emotions and feelings were a mystery and I have only begun to make some kind of sense of why very lately in therapy.. Neither of my parents were parented or perhaps my father was more so than my Mum as I believe Omar (my Dutch grandmother who I only ‘met’ once at the age of 1 year) gave him more containment than Nana could ever give my Mum as a single widowed woman with her own mother an adult child on the run from a violent alcoholic father.. Both had lost fathers as children or young teens and so had to grow up fast (major Saturn aspects in both charts to the Sun (Self/Father) and Mercury (ruling perception, and childhood communication) as both had the conjunction of these three in the elements of water (Mum) and earth (Dad) respectively.

All of this lay hidden but when I retreated to the coast in 2006 after the head injury overseas in 2005 around the first anniversary of my husband walking out on me I was lucky to start attending Al Anon meetings there which as a dual member (of both Al Anon and AA) taught me it was not really on me to carry alone the burden of this family dis-ease with long and tangled roots reaching back 3 generations. Piecing the rest together has taken time, a lot of journalling, poetry, feeling, reading, therapy and conflicts in interpersonal relationships.

Looking back I now see clearly that my Mum lived inside her own storm and enacted it on us.. This was shown to me in a dream in sobriety as her turning into a witch stirring a cauldron, I made the association in therapy yesterday that this cauldron was a powerful dream image to bear testament to a somatic reality I lived inside.. AT that time Mum had her womb taken (this I only learned in around 2014) and this launched her into both a depression and furious rage attacks at times none of us understood.. Dad did not know how to cope so retreated and left us alone in it, then I was also left alone with my second sister who possibly resented it and was too young to care for me and she then tried her best but ended up brutalizing me at times as she was brutalized.. I got called names and disparaged or mocked for being ‘dramatic’ or emotional, but really I was just, as the youngest child containing all of this emotion. This is shown in my chart as Neptune in Scorpio at 13 degrees and the Sun and Jupiter today in transiting are trining that from my second sister’s birth sign Pisces.

Its a relief to know how and hy my own cascade of body sensations so often overwhelm me and make me run.. if I get a whiff of rejection I am gone or scatter-gunning in some kind of frenzied panic. In the past I would freeze or collapse and then turn against myself as the cost of not bonding back (which involved not only abandoning but also confusing myself as well as gas-lighting myself emotionally ) was too high to pay.. To say I had been struggling to cope emotionally since the age of 7 is no understatement..

This weekend watching on Netflix the documentary made about jazz singer Amy Winehouse who sadly died at the age of 28 has made it clear to me how parental abandonment leaves us prey to not only addictions but also tightly merged trauma bonds with other damaged individuals.. Her husband Blake Field had his own deep emotional abandonment issues and when they finally got involved both spiralled out using a cocktail of heavy drugs and alcohol with him seeming to be the instigator. After Field was jailed Amy went under for a while and struggled heroically but eventually succumbed because she was not treated as a human being at all in need of help but as commodity that could be made use of or have shit down loaded into her by the mainstream media.

To be honest I had to stop watching this at around the hour and a bit mark as it was disturbing me so much but was brave enough to see the final part last night and I did relate to it although the nature of Amy’s father wound was more prevalent and very different to my own.

Sadly active addicts have to carry the refused feelings a wider and emotionally arrested or damaged society can not make sense of only mock and ridicule It was a bitter pill to swallow seeing comedians joke at the expense of a person who had fuck all support and help from anyone good at the end apart from her body guard.

To me Amy did not ‘fail’ in dying. She lived her multi-generational karmic destiny and her death and life should provide lessons to us all. Her Moon sits at 00 of Capricorn and I have the Saturn Moon myself in Aquarius. Pluto was transiting over this for some time before her death and it is interesting to see that in her chart which is a bowl like formation with so many planets below the horizon that over her life Pluto and Saturn -both in conjunction near to the same degrees as in the chart of Virgiania Guiferre)- would hit all of her planets by transit one by one that lay on the eastern side of her chart above them.

Making sense of our denied feelings takes time, that is for sure and is a work in progress.. So many of them are not available to us if we remain frozen on the level of intellect.. We can only heal what we allow ourselves and others to feel but often our own fear or the fear of others will ensure the feelings do not see the light of day or only emerge in very confusing ways. As both Venus and Mars now traverse the final 2 degrees that separate them from transiting Pluto it is good to take the deep dive even as the Sun shines light on the watery depth of Pisces (the collective unconscious of buried feeling) and it meets transiting Jupiter (inner consciousness expansion) at the same time… I will be watching both my own heart over the next few days as well as the unfolding events in our world to see where that energy takes us..

To be noted too we are currently as I write in the dark of the moon prior to a new moon in Pisces in a day or too.. That will be the start of yet another deeply emotional cycle and has seem major flooding here in Australia in our northern States.