Breathless : evening update

I am not sure where the constant crushing on my heart comes from maybe its anxiety of life, or maybe pushing it I do not know.. I only know that I have worked hard since coming home to the place I grew up to get more connected and one of the relationships I value so much is the one with my cousin.. Its so wonderful to have someone related to my father who died when I was only 22 to talk to that will countenance the emotional side and show empathy. Today at our lunch grief poured out at times, there was a lot I missed out on having my father die then and as I struggle to connect to my brother too, complex feelings around my Dad open up..

In such a weird case of synchronicity after my cousin picked me up we drove through a small shopping village close to where Mum grew up and as we approached the pedestrian crossing my brother’s older son and his wife were crossing.. I never see them together and they did not see us even as we tried to wave I doubt we would have got a friendly reception, due to the problems between my Mum and my brother’s wife that side of the family tend to shun us, that said it up to me to, I do not feel the safe with them at all, even though I was invited to my grand niece’s 21st a couple of years ago they made not effort much to talk to me. But who knows what they really think and feel inside..

Anyway we drove on and to a distant town that is very cosy and homely to an Italian cafe for lunch.. It was fun to share so much about life and families and catch up with everything, we also talk about Holland and the struggle our father’s had, both got out, my father before Nazi occupation in 1938 and his youngest brother in 1944, when he joined the American Air Force at 18 which was the same age my Dad was when he joined the Dutch East Indies force, it was fun to share photos and memories including one of my great grandmother in which it is apparent she was a very strong willed and defiant character you can see it in the way she was carrying her body even as a young teen and we were both ruminating on what it would have been like in those days to be an adult child of an alcoholic.

My great grandmother Eliza Trudgeon (then Harrison) got out of New Zealand and I am not sure at what age, she married a man called Arthur and they moved to Victoria in Australia where my Great Grandma ran a fish and chip shop and then a pub. My GG Grandmother separated from my Great Granddad after the first world war and later remarried and went on to run a pub.. On his last visit I asked my brother about this and he said “she was a tough old bird” and that often after they put her on the train at Canberra railway they would see her take a furtive sip out of whiskey out of a small silver flask she carried with her. Mum was very fond of her grandmother, as a single parent struggling alone after Mum’s father died my Nana often sent Mum down to Melbourne from Canberra when she was young and Mum often told me stories about her Grandma who would feed the poor from the remaining fish and chips left over after close of business.

I trust and love my cousin a lot. Gosh I am blessed to have someone so lovely in my life. It is also good to have someone to be able to share the dynamics between my sister and son with.. It may not be our business but we are both rooting for my sister to begin to start stepping up and taking responsibility for her life, I felt signs of that yesterday when we talked and she told me she is determined to drive again. At the same time a part of me feels anxious I am still getting caught up in all of this.. But I have never been able to break the bond with my siblings they just do not seem as abusive as some people’s siblings in recovery, even if I struggle to be seen at times lines of communication are opening up and I keep nurturing the hope that in time we can connect. I recognise we all struggle having been raised by parents of trauma.

There is a lot that I could talk to my sister about yesterday that I cannot talk about to others who know her who are determined to paint her as ‘sick’. Its like she is the scapegoat at the moment for everything from some sectors of the family.. That said I see the alcoholic self centered aspect in my sister too. It is something I also have to be aware of. Often if people do not contact me back I can get the fear its all about me when really its just that they have issues or are busy.. That is why its good to no longer have abandonment fears and feelings triggered if someone is not available at a certain time. My abandonment schema at times in this situation makes me project things onto the situation that are just not true.. That then breaks the linkages between us. Slowly this seems to be transforming for me as I open up to trust and deepen connections I have been working hard to build over the past ten years since I returned to live back in my home town.