Working my way through confusion and disorientation

Yesterday was a day of inner storms and ended with one, torrential rain fell from the eaves of my house in a deluge after a period of dry here under which the garden labored.. I was more mobile yesterday, Jasper and I managed a couple of walks but I am fighting hard at the moment to find my boundaries in all kinds of ways and feeling a mix of emotions and doubts with therapy due to start back on Monday.. partly I am pissed off that Kat left me alone at such a hard time of year. She sent a text yesterday to say she hoped I had not struggled too much and looking forward to seeing me.. To be honest I did not have words how the hell am I going to tell of the past 3 weeks of events in one hour long session on Monday and why waste that time, I am doing my level best and coping better most days… I will not allow myself the fall into that paralysis of depressive thinking any more.. I know what to do to make things more hopeful but at the same time disorientation and a feeling of loss and confusion wakes with me most days lately and I work hard to pull myself into the present and stay more grounded. It seems to be working even this morning and last night I had huge energetic swings.

Due to a lot of conflict yesterday, Scott and I were texting some time at 3 am.. I am trying to find my way forward and its not easy. there are longings I have and hopes and feelings but sometimes they lead me astray and I am coming not to totally trust them..

I took myself off to Manuka for a coffee after breakfast and a huge spin, I sat under the shade of a lovely little tree with tons of green foliage and drank it while reading and watching passers by. I then did a walk and ran into my neighbor Roz and walked with her to the milk bar to get her ‘Greek salad with no olives’, the care home where her husband now is in lock down and she is feeling the confusion and disorientation too as are many on the Ascension group I connect with on Facebook.

I then went to the bookshop and bought two books one on George Orwell and the background influences that gave birth not only to his classic Nineteen Eighty Four but also to his other writings and the other one Writing Wild about female writers whose writing centered around nature.. there a separate chapters on 25 women writers and I am looking forward very much to browsing through that and to sharing some of this in my blog during the year.

I also connected on Facebook chat with a lovely lady called Nina from Manchester in the UK who helps people to find and live by their passion, I was interested to hear some of what she spoke of in her short videos.. I was invited to join that group too but I am going to see how things pan out over the next three weeks of Venus retrograde.. Astrologically we have a lot going on this month.. Mars is squaring Neptune right now with Venus about to join the Sun at what is called the superior conjunction. Mercury is now in my home planet of Aquarius and will move retrograde on the 19th. We have a full moon in Cancer (all around nurturance issues) around the 17th or 18th..

Today is also the anniversary of my father’s death.. I now realize how many other people have lost fathers.. This was a difficult day in 1985 getting the call at work around 11 am that I needed to come home as Dad’s heart had given out whilst he was in the middle of a surgical procedure to insert a tube for him to breathe through due to him being forced into a near coma by meds which he had predicted would happen.. The way he died with no one near him but medicos still seems just so utterly dark to me and my thoughts today go to my poor sister in hospital with no visitors allowed.. I was crying about it while Scott and I were texting back last night and he seemed to run out of words..

I now know grief is something we go through a lot of loss have to find a way carry and not limit our ability to connect and reach out to love from within. It is useless saying a loss is ‘all in the past’ when its effects live on and contribute to so many things, my difficult if unconflict filled relationship with Dad where he disallowed my education is complex and the tendrils of that have affected so many others and of course my ex is on my mind a little still because all the hurt around Dad and other men replayed big time in that relationship.. I see I left him feeling very alone at times when he needed me to front up.. It is useless only seeing it from the side of what I failed to get when I also failed to give him what he needed at times.. The best I can do now is to hold all of this and be grateful for my limited progress, for the fact I am no longer as trapped in Complex PTSD defenses of fawn, flight and freeze seeing that a sign of growth.. I can also express myself and rage even if at times it come out in a huge shout. I am learning slowly to modulate that and try to channel trapped anxiety/life energy into a new more positive direction.. I do not manage it all days..

God knows working to understand all of this wounding and soul issues takes time and there are no easy outs. When we look for those then it seems we just end up being dishonest or making others carry the heat for the personal hot potatoes we find too difficult to handle.